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Howdy ! Sorry about the wait on this review. And I hope you like me as a reviewer. I am humbled that I got to look at these chapters-so thank you! I've had my coffee, I have my glasses on, so let's take a looksie. *sips* Reminder: you know what's best for your story. So if there is something I say that doesn't feel right for your story, disregard. You know what's best for it in the end. I am only a reviewer and can give my thoughts and opinions on what might need to be changed. I tend to go in depth and in detail. Hope that's okay. So here we go! Future Dani coming back to say well poop, this is three whole pages of a review. Sorry!
TITLE: Lovely! Haven't come across a title that doesn't work as of yet, though. I have yet to see a terrible title. Yours is very succinct and straight to the point. Nice.
COVER: I actually really enjoy this cover. It screams romance. Also, the work on the lettering is perfect. White font where it is dark, and dark font where it is light. I also really dig the level of transparency in the picture. It is all very cohesive.
BLURB: I did get tripped up on the first paragraph. "Melanie González moves in with her mother to work in the Kingston aristocrats' household, who have just had their son, Kai, coming back from a mysterious absence." For a moment I asked: who's son? A son of the Kingston's or her brother or something? Then I realized that it was the Kingston son. (Right?) I think maybe we can rework on that intro might help, or, I just didn't understand for whatever reason. Your call. "When Kai walks in on her at an ungodly time, he is tempted to break her walls and push her limits." Why would he want to do that? Because he saw her at an ungodly time? I'm not sure why he wants to do that to her (motivation). Can we have a little more detail? Was he attracted to her? Did they both think that was cool? I THINK this might be the case with the next sentence, can't be sure. Maybe add something short to solidify that so their time together makes a bit more sense. "While Melanie tries to fit in her new environment around higher class people, she meets the aristocrat's daughter and discovers she has been caught in a lie -- Melanie's life choices were never hers. It was all planned by the person she expected the least, and it will change her life forever." The only thing I can think of here is that the boy Melanie is hanging with is having his strings pulled by somebody else. Interesting. Read your author's note and I totally agree with you. Everybody comes from many different walks of life. Nobody is the same. I'm sorry if you came across somebody not liking your characters for that reason, that's not fair. Creating characters with the same thoughts/morality/motivations is unrealistic!
Grammar: Generally clean. I did notice some spots where a comma should have gone. Here are some examples (also, anything with a red line I think needs to go).
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I feel for your protagonist in her situation, and also the situation with her ex. I have been in that boat. It's confusing and hard sometimes. What I did notice that was blocking the flow in your writing was filter words. That's what I axed out above. Filter words are words that you don't need. You take them out, and your sentence says the exact same thing you were trying to say anyway. But with fewer words. I have this problem, too. *ugly cries* Also, GREAT job at publishing your first mature content! It can be so daunting! Your first chapter was fabulous. You left us off in a spot that begs the reader to read more. You put us on our seats here (punny given her situation of how she was found?) The 2nd chapter, woo, it was great! So much tension, those two. Also, you're a metal fan, eh? You get a following from this dude! Now, for the remaining questions in my review (I've changed my rubric some):
Did it hold my attention?: Yes, absolutely. Your beginning chapters have no issues with gripping the reader and beginning them to read more. Chapter three was vibrant with small details that made it very easy to picture in my head. The scene with the dad and his offer, and the scenes with Kai and even her mother. Job well done.
Flow/readability: Very easy to read. I just saw a few places here and there that could go without filter words. I think once those are cut out, we'll be looking at tighter writing. Which I think would be perfect because your story is very paced.
Characterization: Perfect. You nailed it. With our main character, with everybody. So there's your review! I hope it helps some. Thank you so much for letting me look at your pages. Do you need a LBL? Are you looking for a swap? I've got a spicy story (that is relatively new, mind you) and it's much like this in terms of spice. But it's a slow burn. Let me know if you are interested, I'm up for it! Take care, Dani
