ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ

review | thirty nine

Inception of Doom by Kattyfish03

REVIEWER: kaywa52

Note: I am so sorry for taking so long in submitted this review! I've been sick for a bit now (ha, that rhymes) and I haven't been up to doing much of anything lately. Also, I've just started school and I'm constantly tired and I've been really busy. Luckily, I'm feeling better now and I've managed to sneak some time in and give you the best possible review on your book!

Title: 3/5

I like the title, but it really only tells me that it's gonna be your normal toxic/hate sex thing. There's not much that tells me this is going to be worth my time reading, that it'll have something else that other stories don't have.

Cover: 4/5
For the cover, I think you did a great job depicting the mystery aspect of your story as well as the sexual part, which seems to be the majority of what your story is about. Great job picking it out!

Blurb: 1/5

Right off the bat, your first sentence is confusing. Not a great start in introducing readers to your book, but hopefully we can work that out here!

Here's the sentence: "What is the probability that the person with whom you decide to spend the rest of your life happily will turn out to be true?"

Now, you need to really read the sentence over to find that it doesn't actually make sense. It's worded in a way where you may think it does but it's unfinished. If the person turns out to be true? Do you mean if they are honest? Or more of a soulmate or something?

In either of these cases, we could make the sentence less wordy. "What is the probability that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with will turn out to be the one/your soulmate/just that?"

I changed the phrase "decide to spend the rest of you life with" because, in the case that you've already decided, what's so surprising about getting proof that our decision was right? If you've already decided, most likely you know that they are "the one" for you.

Ok, now that I've read the rest, I can safely say that you are focusing more on the symbol of the book than its characters and plot. No one is going to want to read that entire first paragraph because it doesn't grab their attention. It's just informing them of something they probably don't care about. Even when you get to the characters at the bottom, it doesn't really tell us what we're about to read here. Your blurb should give us a reason to read this book, something that could make us go "Wow, this sounds cool, I should read some of it to see if I like it." The part at the very end, where you compare your characters, would actually do much better at the beginning of the blurb then at the end. You should use that to help you map out what you want/need the readers to know before they start reading.

Grammar and Vocabulary: 7/15

For dialogue, I see that you have most of the stuff with commas down, but, when you use a exclamation or question mark with a dialogue tag (words that indicate who is speaking), the word outside the quotations should be captitalized. For example:

"It's so enormous!" She exclaims.

"It's so enormous!" she exclaims.

Also, your writing seems to be lacking commas in certain places. Words like while, though, as, after, etc. are subordinating conjunctions, which mean they connect two parts of a sentence. When using them, you need commas. Without them, you have a run-on sentence.

This is a run-on sentence:

"We both walk in the small elevator which probably withstands only four people at a time."