ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ

review | twenty

Eclipsed World: Midnight Survivor by MeowMeow422

Reviewer : DaniBrull 

REVIEWER NOTE :

I am bringing in some tough love to my reviews now to get ready for the WATTYS. I've got my goggles on and I'm taking a deep dive for you. Even if they are not participating in the WATTYS, I still think my in depth comments would be helpful regardless. Understand that these are my comments only just that, my comments, and if they don't fit with your story, disregard. My comments are to make you think and reevaluate. I am in no way personally attacking or being mean--or calling out your ability to write at all. Half the time, my own writing sucks worse than what I see here.

I want to see you all grow and blossom. Sometimes a wonderful story just needs some dusting off. That's what I'm here for!

COVER :

The background of the cover was really great! I was a bit thrown off at the text, though, of them being neon and different colors of glow and all that. I think another type of font would fit better. But still beautiful nonetheless!

TITLE :

The title is fine!

BLURB :

I think the blurb was structurally okay, but there are a few sentences that I think could use some rework. Mainly, the sentence: "He lives alone in a run-down apartment in New York after graduating from a high school, that he honestly can't remember the name of." We ended the sentence in the preposition "of". Maybe you could rework that sentence so it doesn't? I think it would help the flow much better.

PLOT DEVELOPMENT :

Ohhhh! Spooky stuff with the ice-blue eyes staring back at Raven. I'd do a double take, too. I usually don't read prologues and I dive right into chapters, but I did take a peek at it. I think they are connected, no? What an ominous warning in that flashback, too. It indeed was very creepy.

One question, though, when they open the door to the customer. When they say they smelled a stench of rotting flesh and blood--so they have smelled rotting flesh and blood before? Just a thought. I mean, I don't know what Max has been up to as well.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT :

Your main character has a voice! I am clapping here. Sometimes it can be so difficult to make a character that has no characterization and seems mundane. You don't have to worry about that here with Mayo, (snort).

Howard is such a funny character, too. Your protagonist in the beginning seems to brush off their strange antics, but I think it's in a cute way since they've known each other for so long. A brotherly bond, you called it. Good job capturing the voice and details of Howard! You asked me to pay attention to the characters--I think they are alive and easy to picture in my mind. I love the POV swap, too.

The creepy, gory characters who make quite an entrance were awesome. I like things like this--I'm not upset with gore. I think you wrote them very well! Now they have to take the omen seriously, don't they? Poor Raven.

GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION :

The opening line doesn't necessarily need that comma. Also, the thought in the first paragraph of the time and needing to take a bath needs to be italicized. Thoughts need to be italicized. Like Crap, it's four-thirty, I have to take a bath. Etc, etc. I also noticed that you use some commas in places that don't really need one. Here's an example of the comma usage I see in your work: I took some plate, and forks. When really, it just needs to be: I took some plates and forks. The and is there--let it do its job! I know commas can be so confusing. I actually just got rid of a BUNCH of commas in my own story. Recently. So I am right there with you.

I also think your bolded words that are used for emphasis can simply be italicized instead, but I think that's your writing style, so it's fine if you want to keep it that way.

FLOW/READABILITY :

I hear some voice here! I think that's so nice. This is a gem that I think just needs some brushing off. I am very sure you aren't even in the editing phase yet, so I am confident this will just keep getting better and better as you go on.

The opening was a bit of a jolt for me. I think you are writing in a particular way that I am not used to, so if my thoughts don't match your writing style, disregard my comments. I found it strange that your main character just told us their name right off the bat, as sort of like a monologue. I'm not too used to that. I think it would probably be better without it, but, if it fits your writing style, keep it the way it is. I think it would be smoother for somebody else to call them by their name or have their name introduced to us some other way.

Thank you for offering some accent translations, too. I think in chapter four, we can probably get rid of some of those question marks and exclamation marks at the beginning. Too many is unnecessary.

OVERALL VIEW :

Ah, the writing comes off as light-hearted yet very dark at the same time. I'll be honest, when I read about amnesia stories, I am generally put off by the cliche. But I think this works fine because really, it's a spell, and it's done in a different way. I think the writing was strong and can be even stronger with some editing. We've got spooky, we have ominous, and we have an MC who I really enjoyed. I also enjoyed the POV of Max as well. And the woman. I think you have something here--you are very good with giving us some tension right off the bat!