A Court of Song and Shadow

Chapter 9

I awaken in an unfamiliar tent and panic fills my body as I jump up to see where I am at, I bark in pain as my back sends shivers of pain throughout my whole body. The tent flap opens as Azriel walks in, and he genuinely seems surprised to see me standing up.

"I did not want--"

"Thank you--"

We both speak at the same time and stop at the same time. I nod for him to speak first.

"I could not leave you in that tent. Your father made Rhysand and your mother go back with him to the palace." Azriel says and turns away to do something I cannot see.

"He-- he left me here?" I ask, my voice breaking. Az does not say anything as he takes a wet rag and a bowl of water and comes to sit next to me on the bed--his bed.

"May I?" Az asks, motioning to my back. I almost decline, not wanting him to see my scars but if he was there-- "You helped take care of my scars when I was younger, let me help take care of yours."

"You saw them?" I ask, as I move my hair to the front of my shoulder so he can see the entirety of my back.

"I did." He says as he gently pats the rag on my back, I grip on the edge of the bed so I do not cry out in pain. "So, he has done this? Before?"

"Never in front others." I say behind gritted teeth as he continues to clean out the lashes. He is quiet for a moment and for a second, I do not think he heard me.

"If your father was any other man, if he was not the High Lord of the Night Court, I would have killed him before he put his hands on you." Azriel says in a voice I have never heard him speak in before. I go through that tunnel of darkness and am looking at my back, oh gods, it is worse than I ever imagined. And the feeling that I feel-- Az -- feels is pure rage, and it burns so deep that I flinch at the feeling and return to my body. Az must think I flinched because of him pressing against my back and his touch sometimes becomes even lighter. "Does anyone else know?"

"Rhysand knew about the punishments, he never knew how severe. Nobody does." I say quietly.

"Do you remember what you said to me when we were kids, when I always wanted to hide my hands from the world?" He asks me as he cleans the rag, gets a dry one and begins to pat my back dry. When I do not answer, he continues to talk, "You told me how badass it made me look, I remember being so surprised that the high lords daughter would use such language at such a young age."

I let out a laugh and then wince at the pain that goes down my back because of it. I can sense his smile without having to look back at him. "And then you told me on another day that you wished you had scars like mine, looking back now that was probably not the best thing to say to a child who had just been scarred, but at the time it made me feel much better about myself--"

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask.

"I want-- I need to remind you that you do not have to go through this alone. You were there for me when I went through this, let me be there for you." He stops touching my back and I turn my body a little so I can see his face. His shadows have moved, maybe sensing that I wanted to see his face in the firelight, wholly uncovered. I try to read his face, but as usual he is unreadable. I think about how his lips would feel against mine, how his muscled body would feel against mine--

Stop it. I look away from him and he takes a healing salve and begins applying it to my wounds. I let out a sound of the relief that comes from the salve.

"It is not that I do not want anyone to be there for me, the scars are just a reminder of everything bad in my life. How I cannot be who I want, how I cannot speak how I want, how I cannot even stick up for myself. How useless I am--"

Az lightly grabs my chin and pulls my face to face his, "Do not ever think that, Velaris."

"I am, I cannot do a single thing against him--"

"You will get out one day, just like I did." He lets go of my chin, "I got out." He repeats, and it seems like he must repeat that to himself often.

"You did get out, and you will never have to go through something like that again." I look to his scarred hands and a pang of pain runs through my body, the fact that he went through that at such a young age-- before I even met him--

"Watching you go through what you just did was just as bad as when I got these scars. I felt the same amount of pain."

"Well then I will try not to disobey my father again, for your sake." I chuckle and he makes a face at me.

"That is not funny."

"It is not."

"Then why are you laughing?" He asks me, with the most serious face I have ever seen him make. For some reason, it makes me burst out laughing, it hurts my back to laugh but I cannot stop. He tries to get me to stop but I laugh even more.

"Velaris, what could possibly be so funny right now?" He asks, and I take one look at his very serious face and laugh even more.

"Your f-face." I manage to get out and he raises his eyebrows at me. I realize what I said came out very wrong, so I take deep breaths to try to regain myself. "I did not mean it like that, you are just always so serious."

"Was this not a serious conversation?" He asks, still being serious.

"No, it was."

"Until you started laughing--" A smile plays on Az's lips "Because of my serious face?"

"Precisely."

He places bandages on my back and stands up to rinse the bowl and rag. I watch him quietly as my shadows peer over my shoulder, his shadows come flying over to greet mine and I let out a laugh. I know my shadows are apart of me, but I feel their own sort of happiness as they dance in the air with Az's shadows. A small smile is plastered on his face, but he does not say anything as he continues to clean up his tent.

"I can go back to my tent—"

"No." Is all Azriel says, and he does not even look at me.

"I will be fine, Az, I would hate to take up room—"

"You are not taking up any room, Velaris, this is one thing I will not allow you to do."

I feel tiredness begin to wash over my body and find no more energy to argue with him. I wince as I lay back on his bed and darkness consumes me once again, but this time I welcome it.