A Court of Song and Shadow

Chapter 52

Even after the King of Hybern winnowed away--some of his men and creatures still decided to stay to try to slaughter our armies--not wanting to surrender. I stay back in the healers tent for the next few days with Miryam and Andromache as the others continue to fight. My bloodlust has dissipated since the King of Hybern is no longer there--and since we already won the war. I do not hear from Rhysand, Azriel, and Cassian in the days following the King's surrender but I did not want to speak to them after what I admitted on the battlefield. I spend one of the days out on the battlefield--just searching for them. My heart drops as the battle has moved further back and I see all of the Illyrian bodies.

They are not dead.

I remind myself of this over and over again as I scan the faces of the Illyrian soldiers to make sure they are not the three men I search for. I look to the band of black ink on my arm and remind myself that if one of them died--the band would disappear, most likely. I continue to search for them anyway. I was so caught up in scanning the bodies that I did not hear one of those winged creatures from Hybern sneak up behind me--they shove a dagger into my abdomen and try to attack me. It takes me half of a thought to turn the creature into mist. I curse as I winnow back into the front of the healers tent--holding the dagger that was still impaled in my abdomen.

I swear under my breath again as I enter the tent and find Rhys, Cass, Mor and Az already sitting on their own cots getting checked out by healers. I am happy to see them alive but I am not happy for the conversations that will follow. Miryam is cleaning one of Mor's wounds, laughing at something she said. I see Drakon sitting on a cot behind them, silently observing Miryam. Rhys looks up and sees me and his smile fades and he gets up and walks away. I raise my eyebrows and Cass offers me a thin smile.

"He is brooding, you know how he gets when he is like that. I'll go talk to him." Cass says, quickly getting up to follow him, although I am sure Cass cares about Rhys being upset-- he probably does not know what to say to me after what I admitted on the battlefield. Mor looks at me and is about to speak when her eye's snap on something to the right of us, I look over and see Andromache entering the tent. Mor looks at her with a longing I easily understand, but I know she will not leave me in a state like this.

"Go." I tell her. She looks at me, thankfulness filling her eyes and she hugs me.

"You and I are going to have a very long talk later." She says into my ear before practically sprintining to Andromache.

I silently sit across from Az's cot, and he sits in silence as Miryam takes out the dagger in my stomach and places stitches where the wound was barely healing and treats my lesser wounds. She places a hand on my face when she is finished and I look into her golden eyes.

"It will take many years to go away, but I can assure that empty feeling in your heart will fill up again. It may take months, decades, centuries, but one day you will find the peace that you once knew." She says softly to me, I thank her as she walks away--not wanting to admit to her that I have never known peace. Drakon takes her arm in his and walks to get some water.

"That is why you came." Az finally says, I reluctantly look over to him, "To my tent. Not because you feared one of us would die, you planned for yourself to die."

"Az--" I cut myself off as I realize I have no idea what to say, so I try my best to explain myself to him, "It is not that I want to die, I dread the idea of dying but I should have died next to Tanwyn and Kà ra and Razira--"

"But you did not--"

"Because you took me away before I could." I snap.

"So you believe I should have left you there to perish while I sat back and did nothing?" He asks.