Teach Me to Please | Please Me #1

FIFTY SEVEN

R O M A N

  I looked outside my window, gazing onto the front porch. I couldn't go to school today, the thought of it made me sick and so I convinced my mom to let me stay home. She wasn't oblivious to the obvious. She noticed how Sienna was no longer around, how suddenly I didn't seem like myself. Putting together the pieces were easy for her and so for me not to go to school today let her know something even further had happened. Instead of elaborating to her, I let her guess and stayed up in my room.

  The problem I kept having was that everything reminded me of her. No matter where I looked, she was everywhere. When I slept on my bed, I thought back to the night of Spring Fling, even in the shower I heard her voice.

   "Tell me I'm yours."

  She left her sweet, citrus perfume lingering on my clothes when she went through my closet to find something to wear, my desk still kept stacks of her old worksheets, even the ledge by my bathroom mirror had her hairband resting on top of it. And I've been wearing that damn hairband on my wrist all week.

  It was one of those hairbands that matched the colour of your hair, so it didn't even work my own. Instead, it just stayed on my wrist and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get myself to take it off.

  She was everywhere. Every thing. My everything. I couldn't let that go. Even in my stupid dreams she lingered there.

  We were in bed. We would kiss, touch, have sex, cuddle, laugh, talk, kiss, laugh some more, and every single part of it was so perfect my heart practically screamed.

  The day I saw that video broke me. I didn't know how to explain it but when I saw it, everything in me felt so... betrayed and humiliated. There was this girl, this girl who I considered to be my everything, in my eyes the girl, who suddenly became something I didn't recognise. The words she said, the way she said them, it was like shots being fired and arrows daggered themselves into my heart, and they stayed there till I confronted her. That was when they got ripped out, I was left bleeding in agony.

  I wanted her to tell me it wasn't true, that she didn't say those words, that it was all fake. I was so lost and confused and hurt I couldn't even think straight, so when she told me it was her, I couldn't bear it any longer. She took her words and used them as weapons and my heart was left screaming in pain on the floor.

   "Tell me I'm yours."

  She was mine. She was mine as much as I wanted to be hers. However, that day it felt like she ripped off those words and freed herself from whatever chains we were tied in. The worst part was that I thought she didn't want to be mine in the first place. God, it hurt.

  Now, I hate myself from not being able to think straight, but I knew in the moment, everything hurt too much to process. Then came the realisation.

  It was the night of the charity ball, after we had sex, and she started to sob in my arms. Sienna wasn't a fake crier, she always cried with a meaning and so much emotion it physically hurt to see her break. So, when she started crying and sobbed my name, I knew something was up.

  I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the sex we had at the charity ball, I liked being in control too. The little whimpers she made for me turned me on an insane amount, and the way she begged... Jesus. I replayed that again and again in my mind. However, I was scared of being too rough... I don't know, I'd never been like that before and so I didn't want to hurt her. I always let Sienna have the lead in everything, mainly because she knew what she was doing and I had zero clue, other times because I always wanted her to be comfortable.