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Wakas (part two)

Wakas (part two)

Ghosting.

Ni hindi ko inakalang matatakot ako sa multo. I remember not being scared of paranormal beings because I have faith with me and I believe that I'm protected by God; that He would always provide light if there is darkness that slowly surrounds my perimeter. At hindi ako takot sa mga bagay na hindi ko naman nakikita. Yet, I was deeply haunted by the ghosts of my past.

No, it wasn't the kind of ghost that floats, colored as white as sheet of papers, and those who have nasty blood in their hands to scare you.

It was the ghost that didn't even give anything but lingering attachments. It was those who disappears without a trace. Parang multo nga siya, ni hindi mo na nga nakikita ngunit ramdam mo pa rin ang presensya n'ya.

Bumuga ako ng isang malalim na hininga. Tiningnan ko nang maigi ang mga gamit ko bago pinagbubuksan ang mga bagahe. May kumatok sa aking pinto at niluwa nito si Mama na may mukhang nagaalala sa akin.

"You'll study abroad, that was the plan. Bakit nag-iba ang isip mo, Gio?" Mama asked upon seeing me unpacking my bags. It was a genuine question and it didn't look like she waa disappointed. She never pressured me anyway. Ako naman talaga ang bahala sa buhay ko.

Ang alis ko dapat ay kinabukasan na dahil planado naman na talaga ito. I was supposed to study abroad, everyone knew about that. I was ambitious despite knowing that the education in the states will be different and the new enviroment that I will have to face upon arriving overseas will cause me homesickness.

"Hindi ko pa rin talaga lubusang maisip, Ma. . ." I uttered softly as my hand touched my bags. "Ano bang ginawa ko? Bakit ayaw na n'yang magpakita sa akin?"

And the few weeks of trying to forget her was futile. Muling binalik ako sa mga alaalang pilit kong binabaon sa hukay at sa limot. The feelings I have for her manifested into an undead creature, it could never be at peace without killing it.

And I could never kill my feelings for her. Kailanman, hindi ko kayang patayin ang pag-ibig na nararamdaman ko para sa kan'ya. Dadalhin ko ito na nananalaytay sa aking kabuuan hanggang sa kaya ko.

"Wala akong masasagot d'yan, anak. Maybe the timing isn't just right. . ."

"Edi kailan, Ma? Kailan magiging tama ang oras para sa aming dalawa?"

I waited for four years for her to profess our love for each other to the entire world. Alam ko sa sarili ko na handa ako palagi kapag nangyari 'yon. I didn't want to pressure her and I believe my patience won't fail me. Subalit hindi ito nangyari at naghiwalay pa nga kami sa paraan na hindi ko inaasahan. I wanted to blame Paulene and resent her for hurting me without telling me the reason why she had to leave.

I would never understand how someone can leave you so easily after showing you how love forms when the night darkens and you need some light to hold on. Hindi ko kailanman matatanggap na 'yong taong inaasahan ko no'ng panahon na lunod ako sa kalungkutan ay ang taong nagtulak pa sa akin pailalim para lalo akong hindi makaahon.

What hurts most is she can be happy without me or she's probably not even thinking about me anymore. Grabe naman 'yon, Paulene? I can't help but sneered at the thought. Samantalang ako ay hindi ko magawang bumangon na iniisip ang kinabukasan ko. Buong akala ko ay siya ang kinabukasan ko. Ngayon na wala na siya. . .

Paano na ako?

I'll admit. I found it ridiculous how she can't see our future together. Ngayon ramdam ko at alam na alam ko na. Nanunuot sa akin ang sakit hanggang sa tuluyan na ako'ng walang maramdaman kung hindi galit sa sarili dahil hindi ko alam bakit ba tangang-tanga pa rin ako sa kan'ya. Na kahit nasaktan na ako, mahal ko pa rin siya.