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song recommended: mckenna breinholt - save me

a mist of gloomy drizzle obscured the city around me with black clouds. a sparse fog hung in halo around the lampposts along the harbor of the han river throughout the morning, slowly flying back into the sky with each passing hour. 

for some reason, i wanted to be alone, so that no one would watch or touch me until my brain cleared just like the port i watched during a terribly gloomy morning. i couldn't grasp the firmness of what was happening just a few hours before sunrise. it seemed so dishonorable to me to even think about it, but it was also more than clear that it was not just thoughts, but something that had happened, and that could have happened. 

there was a grain of need. desires. hunger for old passion. even though it was what burned me the most, it was precisely that flame of emotion that jungkook would evoke in me with each of its appearances that kept me alive. hyun was accelerating it, but such ferocity had long since died out at the bottom of the ashes. 

i stared blankly at the soft waves beneath the solid brick stone painted the dirty color of snow. a breeze muddied the water of crystal clearness, taking on a reflection of the blackness of the sky above. 

i watched the childish way my feet rocked back and forth in canvas boots. the cold rain hit me all over my body, but even that didn't get me out of the way. 

i shuddered in the sudden cold as it sank deeper into the bone. dressed in black pants, a soft apricot sweater and a thick, black winter jacket that warmly hugged my upper body all the way to my torso, i didn't care that everything around me was wet from the thin blanket of snow that was still melting. i didn't even have a hood or umbrella to protect me from raindrops, but i was so surely convinced that i didn't even need them. 

i'm not sure how much time has passed without any contact with other people. from the moment i arrived, the number of those who passed by me could be counted on the fingers of one hand. a little further on, fishermen cleaned their boats, broke the ice around them, or threw nets into water that had not been cut off by the ice.

i took a deep breath of the pungent smell of cold and ice floating on the surface of the water, but even he was of little help in clearing my mind. it itself seem to have been so entangled in unraveling knots. 

around noon, the rain intensified and was stronger on the ground, and on me, too. my unblinking gaze remained fixed on the rocks below the curb wall on which I sat. cold drops cooled my face, until they stopped abruptly, and i felt the weight of a shadow hovering over me from behind. i cautiously looked up, noticing the edge of the transparent umbrella above my head.