Brother from another mother

Guilt

When you find yourself at gunpoint, it doesn't really matter how fast your reflexes are. You can try to duck, roll over, break the wall behind you or, God help you, take over the gun, but the truth remains that the trigger can be pulled at any moment and when it does... you have about 12 milliseconds before that bullet hits you, right through the heart. And kills you, if you're having a bad day.

That's how Harvey felt right that moment. For all his talk about having 146 choices when a gun is pointed at you, he never had an actual loaded gun pointed directly at his heart. Not like this anyway. Right that moment, Mike was facing jail time because there had been a loaded gun, hiding in plain sight, pointed right to Harvey since day one of hiring Mike Ross, and now it had been triggered, and fired, and after 72 hours of overworking himself and binge drinking whatever there was to drink Harvey heard seven little words and absolutely broke down , because he realised that those 12 milliseconds were over, and the bullet had just pierced through him, and it was going to kill him. Well, actually, it had killed Mike, but for what it felt like, it might as well have been Harvey.

"Harvey? Did you listen to anything I just said?" Not really, no. In fact, Donna calling his name was the only thing that made him realise that the way walls were closing on him wasn't very normal.

"Of course, and you go ahead and do what you have to do." And he left. Harvey sped walk to the bathroom, in all honesty, because he knew he was having a panic attack but it didn't feel like a panic attack. He didn't feel like he needed to throw up until he was empty, he felt like he was going to die from oxygen deprivation, and his mind hadn't gone blank, no, it was replaying that god forsaken fight, and his body wasn't numb, it was heavy. In short, it felt worse.

Before Harvey knew it, he was crying so much and hyperventilating so harshly he was sure that was going to be the end of him, he was going to fucking die in that bathroom all because the only thing he could think about was that fight, and Mike taking swings at him, crying, yelling "do you want me to hate you?" and how Harvey really, really did. He wanted Mike to hate him so badly, he wanted him to realise Harvey had screwed up his life, he wanted Mike to just turn him in and God he wanted to hold Mike and tell him he was going to fix this. Why couldn't he just have turned him in?

It was so selfish that all Harvey wanted was for Mike to barge in that ice cold bathroom and help him through it one more time. And he couldn't, he was in prison, he needed Harvey to keep his cool and work something out but Harvey was going through it, bad, and that thought just took him for another spiral that led him to close himself up into a ball where he stayed like for countless minutes, maybe an eternity. Mike didn't barge in, no one did really, but Harvey put himself back together anyway, partially, and walked out that door and did his best to get to his car and not stumble on his feet. Nowhere to go, a lot to do and a racing mind but it didn't matter, he looked far from presentable and didn't feel any more capable of talking than a 2 year old, Ray knew all of that too, and it took less than one look at Harvey for him to know he should just start driving.

Harvey didn't even know where he wanted to go until Ray pulled up in front of his condo and he realised how utterly tired he was. He gave Ray a grateful look, made a mental note of adding about another 700 bucks to his bonus and stepped out of the car to numbly make his way to his room, drop flat on the bed and, hopefully, sleep for the next 2 years. Because he was selfish, and he needed that right now. But he dropped on his bed and his left side was cold and empty and even though it never had been otherwise occupied, he still felt that it was empty because Mike couldn't be there, so he cried some more and by the time he caved in to exhaustion the sun was already peaking through the horizon.

For once, Donna was worried. She had been worried since the very first second they handcuffed Mike, and she wasn't sure of what the kid was in for, not really. When he pled guilty and Harvey looked like he had sworn to God to never sleep again, Donna got worried sick. And when she asked "You're going to visit Mike soon, right?" and his answer made no sense and he lied about having been listening Donna got overly nervous.

And then the unsettling feeling got worse when he all but ran away, and it got impossibly terrifying when Harvey didn't come around for the rest of the week, and Mike, in the meantime, updated her in a heartbroken tone and she was absolutely clueless.

When you're clueless, you get a goddamn clue. That's what Jessica had teached her, anyway.

As Donna walked down the hallway and fished for the key to Harvey's condo, her heart was racing. Not because it looked like a horror movie scene, she didn't think Harvey was missing or being held or killed, and as she opened the heavy white door it wasn't all dark and heavy. Somehow that was even worse.

"Wakey wakey, time to get the fuck up" Strolling down to Harvey's bedroom, the only thing Donna could think of doing was bringing Harvey to his old self because, hand to God, this wasn't anything like him "What's going on and why aren't you meeting with Mike right this instant?"

"Let me be, Donna. I'm not in danger, this is not an emergency, so no need to use that key that is what I gave it to you for." Honestly, Harvey was tired, and he felt sick, actually sick because his stomach was empty and weird and he could barely move his arms anymore from laying down, and he was pure self loathe, so wanting to be alone doesn't just cut it.

"No, I'm not going to 'let you be'. Mike needs you right now, if that isn't an emergency I don't know what is." Donna's response granted her only a groan and a turn around from Harvey, because that was exactly what he didn't want to hear.

"He doesn't, I can't do anything."

"What's wrong with you?! You never back away from a fight before, why the hell are you starting now?" And by then, Donna was rasing her voice, and Harvey was really too tired to deal with any of this, but he still raised his voice all the same and sat on the bed as fast as he could, because Damn it he was hurting and he wasn't going to just take that.

"Because there's no goddamn fight to fight!" There always is.

"Yes there is!"

"No there isn't! I'm a Poker player and I'm telling you we just lost our hand and they took the whole damn table and if Jessica were here she would tell you that they checkmate'd long ago and we just lost the king. So get the fuck out of my house and let me lick my wounds in peace." Harvey Specter doesn't have wounds to lick he used to tell himself, but on that bed, in nothing but his sweatpants and with no desire to ever see the sun rise again, Harvey wasn't so sure anymore.

"You can't give up on him like that, Harvey." He wished Mike had given up on him in time, though.

"God damn it Donna, you don't get it, do you? I failed him! I ruined this, it's done! We fought for hours, and we sat in silence and I... never told him." The sudden squeeze and pull at his heart and the crying feeling made Harvey scared that he was going to have another panic attack right there and then, but it wasn't like that this time. This time he didn't know what it was but it sure as hell felt like full and utter heartbreak, and that was a lot scarier, and it must have been written all over his face because Donna's face melted into something so terribly familiar to understanding, and sympathy and pity, if Harvey were in usual fitness, he wouldn't be there anymore for how fast he would be running. But she was there anyway. "I knew that he knew, that he knows but... he's in there, and- I never told him."

Point was, Donna knew now too, but there was nothing left to say so she didn't say anything but, truth was, her company didn't help Harvey either, because she wasn't Mike.

"Just get out, Donna, please." Either his voice broke, a tear left his eye or he never asked for anything in his life because Donna actually paused and gaped and almost looked like she wanted to reach out to touch him. Harvey was glad she didn't.

"I'll leave, but , if I don't get Harvey Specter back by monday in full force to get Mike out of that prison I will get back here and turn your life into a living hell until you do. And go visit him, because the situation you have him in right now isn't really easing his mind."

Harvey would get his shit together, he promised himself when Donna walked away, but not that day. That day he still felt his heart bleeding through so he needed a bit more time. When Mike called he answered, though, and they actually talked, as far as he was concerned that was progress.