STRAWBERRIES & CIGARETTES - bottom namjoon oneshots. ✓

020 ;; remember me - namjin.

☆  Kim seokjin p.o.v.

i stare at him as he smiles and titters with his roseate cheeks, looking as ethereal as ever, his eyes gleam in glee, indecipherable happiness flaunted in the pair of low orbs. i couldn't help but to grin, as i scrutinized him. the way he holds the child and tickles his sides and bows down civilly at everyone who was there,

i never want to forget these, ever. he slowly giggles as his lover, embraces him. 

i wish i was him. i wish i was the one who is standing there...feel his warmness near me and hear his heartfelt giggles over my earlobes. 

i wish that i was the one who was holding him like this, as he chuckles between my arms and stares up at me mesmerized, and he slowly falls in love with me, all over again. i wish that i could wake him up, and hold him like how i used to. 

tell him ; reenact, and live up to every moment again. every moment of us, where we were deeply in love with one another. incurably in love. i want to see us falling in love all over again, rewind everything and live up to the parallel all over again. 

but i remember that, he doesn't remembers me. he doesn't remember us.

i feel lonely, feel like I'm standing at a standstill, a loneliness thrives down my mind as they held hands, stepping down the aisle slowly. i feel so cold, so withered as if i am a neglected child longing for my mother's warmth and love. 

looking as happy as ever. 

i want to forget him, but also keep the memories he gave me. I want to deny, and oppose, i want to despise these...but then i remember that,

he is in love...but not with me. with a man whom he met after the accident. namjoon is in love with a man who is not me, and i need to decipher it before i get too lost and too numb. i need to stop dreaming of us, i need to stop imagining things of us, and rewinding everything in my mind.

like how i used to wake up to him next to me in the morning, how we used to share sweet lingering kisses, rhetorical and economic jokes under the sunsets.  

if i ever could change anything, then i would've held him that day and prevented him from going to the party you wanted to. i would've kissed him a little more longer...made memories a little more longer. 

but now i stare, as he slowly kisses the love of his life. 

he doesn't remember me, i reminded myself. 

"i do."

these words, shatters me apart. i still remember and feel his scent lingering over me, as he finally marries the love of his life. i pull the hood over my head as a lonely stray of tear rolled down my cheeks. i have to act...like we were never in love, like he had never loved me like this before as i kept my gaze at him.

stare at him solely, and act. 

"you could've t-told him.." i feel a voice whisper and a hand draping over my shoulder, i turn to stare at hoseok with my own misty eyes. i felt as if someone had robbed my words, as the lump on my throat drowns me tighter, into an abyss of sadness.

"our role ended..that was my role in his life, hoseok-ah. we were meant to be broken anyway...he was not meant to be with me..but with my brother. telling him that he had amnesia, wouldn't have helped anything at all....they were meant to be and i w-was...i was meant to be broken like this..i promised myself that i would never interfere in his life, if we were actually meant to be together...t-then he would've fallen in love with me."

"we can't force anyone to fall in love with us...just because we are in love with them... i indeed meant something in his life, i was meant to remember...remember that us, had existed."

"hyung!" his voice chimes as he stares at me, i stare back remorsefully...searching for the love that used to be there, but there was none. just like how i expected it to be not there. i hadn't realized how much he actually means to me and how much i  had loved...and love him till now, until this moment as i stare up into his orbs, forcing a smile. 

i stare at him, nonchalantly, numb, betrayed, with love-filled eyes....

'oh god, i miss you..i miss you namjoon-ah. remember how eager you were when i proposed to you? you wanted to get married at Paris, and you did...just not with me.' 

'im so stupid namjoon-ah...like you used to say about how i should stare at your eyes if i ever feel lonly, and i kept staring at your orbs...usually i find myself in it...but today i dont and i know that i would never...again. and you wouldnt understand even if i keep staring throughout my entire lifetime'

'i want you to remember us namjoon-ah...but  at the same moment, i don't want you to as well.'

'im so lonely namjoon-ah. feels so lonely without you.'

"hyung." i repulse back as my brother, my lover's husband... called me with a smile, i gave a shallow nod as i took a step back, namjoon took one to the front as we were magnets from different poles. i restrain myself from etching my lips to his, whispering how i want all of these...just to be a bad nightmare. 

"congratulations, namjoon-ah....yoongi-ah."

★☆