Our little secret | Jev

19. Figure it out together

Jentzen's POV

The rest of the evening had went well - the cookies turned out great, we ate them while we watched a movie and - even though it sounds stupid and silly - me and Lev held hands under the blanket. Every second of every moment I wanted to be touching Lev, whether it was holding hands, resting my head on his shoulder or anything, but most of the time when people were around the most I could get was a brush against the shoulder or our fingers brushing while I'd walk with him next to me.

In some ways I was unsure of the ways in which I could be affectionate with him - I'd had relationships before, but those always had clear boundaries - it was standard to kiss and to cuddle and such, because that's what was expected, but with Lev... we spent so much of our time knowing each other as friends that I wasn't sure what he'd be comfortable with, and more so the fact that we were both guys.

What role am I meant to play between the two of us? I didn't know how these relationships worked, since when it's a girl you're dating there's rules - you hold her, you kiss her, and you protect her. What if I'm the one who wants to be held and kissed? Is that how it works with Lev now? 

No, what am I thinking? The point of two guys in a relationship is that there isn't a "girl" role and a "guy" role. I guess this is just something we'd have to figure out together, and it was comforting to know that Lev was as unsure about it as I was. I feel safe around him, and I know he wouldn't judge me for wanting to receive affection from him. I think he knows that he's the one to make the first moves, so I just wonder when he'll start doing it.

It was getting late and so everyone decided to head to bed. Lev was staying with me in my room, of course, but for some reason I felt bad about it. If Liana knew me and Lev were more than friends surely she wouldn't let us sleep in the same room, right? It almost felt like I was lying to her under her own roof, but I told myself I was doing nothing wrong. Even if me and Lev are dating now - or something of the sorts - we're still friends regardless.

I flicked the light switch to my room on momentarily while I walked into my bathroom to brush my teeth. "Hey, do you need a toothbrush?" I asked Lev. "I have a spare that I haven't opened yet." He nodded, taking it from me gratefully and removing the packaging.

Once we were done, he turned to me and asked me where he should put it. "Just leave it here," I began, pointing next to my toothbrush. "You can keep it there so you always have one here for whenever you stay over" I smiled, liking the thought of Lev having his own things at my house.

Lev smiled back at me. "Wow, getting serious, huh?" I'm already keeping a toothbrush at your place. What's next, are we gonna move in together?" He joked. I shoved his shoulder as he laughed at me.

We walked back into my room and I waited till Lev had gotten into bed to flip the light switch off and get in next to him. Without light, the room was pretty dark but I could still make out the outline of his face from the moonlight shining through my window.

"I really enjoyed today" Lev admitted, turning so that we were face to face. I smiled. "Me too" I hummed. "It was the first time in a little while where I truly felt happy and didn't think once about being all alone. Do you know why?" He asked. "Why?" I replied. "Because you're here with me. You make me the happiest I've ever been."

My breath caught in my throat at his words. The way he in which he said them made my whole body shiver, unable to stop the happiness inside of me. "I wish it could be like this every day" I admitted, staring right into his blue eyes. They stared back at me with such a burning intensity. He didn't reply with words, and instead continued to look right into my soul.

"What are you thinking about right now?" I giggled, finding his serious look amusing. "Just that I've never felt like this for anyone before - never had such a strong desire to love and protect anyone the way I do for you" he admitted with full honesty. He didn't even laugh, or smile, but just kept looking into my eyes.

"And that I really want to kiss you right now" he whispered, his gaze flicking between my eyes and my lips. "Y-you do?" I asked nervously, my cheeks already beginning to heat up. My heart felt like it was pounding through my chest. "Is it ok if I..." he trailed off, leaning in closer. I nodded, hoping he saw clearly in the darkness. He finally smiled, closing the gap between us.

In that moment it felt like everything around me was still - time had stopped, my thoughts were quiet and all I was aware of was his soft lips pressed against mine and the warmth of his kiss. This wasn't my first kiss by any means, but it sure did feel like it. Never in my life did I think such a simple act could ever cause such emotions within me. I'd always thought I was broken for never being able to understand the passion people described when they kissed one another, but now I realize why.

For all those years I had been kissing the wrong people. Now I knew what a kiss truly meant, because for the first time I was sharing it with someone I truly loved.