Our little secret | Jev

38. Risk

Jentzen's POV

It was late at night, nearing midnight. Me and Lev were still in my room, my father downstairs working. I couldn't wait to leave Texas tomorrow, just one more night and I'd finally be out of here.

I was still shaken up from earlier, wondering if my father could tell anything was off between me and Lev. Although, I'm sure if he knew what the two of us were up to only moments before he'd arrived back home he would have blown up earlier.

The sound of footsteps up the staircase immediately alerted my attention as I distanced myself from Lev, sitting on the opposite side of my bed from him. My father swung the door open, looking between the two of us with a hardened expression.

"I want you two to sleep now. Lights out" he ordered sternly. I didn't like his tone at all or the way he said things - it made me feel like his prisoner rather than his son - there was nothing fatherly or loving about him.

I nodded timidly, lifting my covers for me and Lev to get under. Lev clambered to get in beside me when my father paused us in our tracks. "Lev, you're planning on sleeping in here?" He spat, almost like mockery. Lev looked at him in confusion. "Um... yes? Is that not ok?" He questioned.

My father cocked an eyebrow, looking as if he was biting back hateful words. "Get out of my son's room, you're not sleeping here. Stay in the guest room and don't dare think about coming back in here, I'll know" he bellowed.

I winced at his words, feeling like he was threatening Lev. I had no idea how Lev was remaining so calm in this situation, but he showed no signs of fear. Instead, he nodded at my father before turning around and reassuring me with a warm smile. "It's ok, I'll see you in the morning" he insisted. Before he left the room, he sent me a subtle wink - one that went unnoticed by my father.

I had no time to think further into what it meant as all that was circling my mind was he knows. My father MUST know what was going on between me and Lev to be acting like this.

Before my father closed my bedroom door to leave, he paused, taking the chance to look at me. "I don't want Lev hanging around you so much. I can tell his intentions with you, and I will not have my son turning to some-" he cut himself off, as if trying not to use the word I know he so wanted to.

Just say it. You don't want your son to 'turn gay', do you dad? I sighed, deciding not to say anything that would anger him. "Ok dad" I mumbled, trying not to let him see my eyes which had begun to water, threatening to spill tears. He turned my light off and left my room, leaving me alone in the darkness.

It's almost funny how he thinks his son is some poor straight dude who's being hit on by his gay friend, when all this time it had really been me who had pursued Lev. If anything, I tried to find the situation humorous. If I didn't distract myself with this notion, all I'd be left with was the pain that had struck my heart.

Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? It's funny that I'm so afraid of my father finding out who I am that I can barely stand to be around him. It's funny that one of the only times he had acknowledged me since I've been here is to remind me of how much I disappoint him, of how much I disgust him.

I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks, staining my pillow as I quietly began to cry. I'd spent so long trying to justify his actions, so long trying to convince myself that if I became the son he wanted me to be he'd love me, but clearly that was never going to happen. There was nothing more I could change about myself. After everything I'd done to try and please him, here I was, still crying into my pillow every night wondering to myself, 'why doesn't he love me? Why won't he love me?'

My sobs became louder as I tried to muffle the sound of my own pain with my pillow, not wanting anyone to hear. A few moments passed like this, me alone in the darkness of my room wallowing in my own sadness and pain when a small sound suddenly alerted me.

The door of my bedroom quietly began to creak open, leaving me holding my breath wondering who was on the other side. Finally, a familiar blonde head poked its way around the door. I let out a sigh of relief as Lev silently stepped into my room, closing the door behind us.

"Lev, you can't be in here, what if he finds out?" I whispered, loud enough so that it would reach him across the room. Lev shook his head, shrugging. "So what if he does? Come morning, the two of us are out of here. What's he gonna do about it, huh?" He retorted. I could tell from his voice that he held some hate for my father. I couldn't blame Lev for despising him.

I decided to agree with Lev, trying to subside my constant panic that my father would come up at any moment and instead allowing myself to calm down. It was, although, easier said than done. There was still a tight pain in my chest which I did not know how to shake.

Lev crawled in next to me, wrapping one arm around my body to pull me closer into his embrace. "Are you ok?" He soothed, running his other hand through my hair softly. I hummed in response, not saying much else. Even considering how little light there was, I knew Lev would've been able to see I was crying. It was simply something I didn't want to get into right now.

All I wanted to do was lay here with him as he played with my hair and held me close, making me finally feel safe, which I hadn't felt for a while now. I was glad to be back with him.

"Go to sleep" he whispered gently, still running his fingers through my hair. I nodded slightly, my eyelids already fluttering closed from exhaustion. Boy was I lucky to have someone like Lev in my life.