Sorrow In Her Scars

Dedication

Hi.

So, it's taken me a little while to figure out what I wanted to say and how to say it but I think I've figured it out so, yeah.

I started this story for entertainment purposes only. I was bored and wanted to see what my mind could do when I put it to work. As you all know, I'm someone who struggles with ADHD and OCD but I also struggle with really bad Anxiety and Depression. I'm not social at all, I was a shy kid growing up. People thought I was weird because I was to quiet and preferred being by myself. I lost friends because I was so emotional detached from everyone. I didn't get to create any type of connections because I was so uncomfortable.

This story gave me the chance to express myself and put all my feelings into it. I can't tell you how much I cried on a shitty day, hiding in my room while I wrote a chapter. It really helped me alot at one point and I can only pray that it continues to help me but it isn't just that. While I was able to express myself, halfway throughout the story I had stopped writing for a while because I was going through a really dark time.

As you all know, Azraels character is Schizo Affectiive. It's one of the biggest mental issues I hate the most because I can't understand it. I despise it with my whole soul because my mother is a schizophrenic. It ruined this whole image of my mother in my head and it made me hate her for a while and I guess I still feel alot of hate but while I hate her, I also love her. I love her because it isn't her fault. She didn't ask for it and I know that if it was me, she would've done anything possible to help me but I miss her.

She doesn't care about me and my sisters anymore because her brain is so chaotic that us three are the last thing on her mind and it hurts alot. It makes me sad when I see people with moms who care about them so much because all I can think about is my mom struggling at home. She has episodes. She screams at me. She cries. She has episodes where she'll walk around the house all day and every day until her feet hurt, literally. She'll break stuff. She'll go missing for a week. She'll tell me she'll hear voices and it'll get to the point where everyone is to scared to sleep, even her. She'll start yelling at someone who isn't even there and then cops are called. It's traumatizing and I'm scared of the dark because of it. Growing up, my mom was the strongest person I knew. She worked her ass of to provide for us and when she hit rock bottom all the responsibilities fell onto me and suddenly I was the parent.

Suddenly I was the one being forced to grow up and takimg care of my sisters and the house, feeding everyone, and making sure everyone was okay. I was the one cleaning up my mothers messes. I was the one taking my sisters school shopping. Cooking and cleaning and making sure their safe at home, afraid my mom will lash out, while I tried to go to school and it was so exhausting.

I barely ever sleep because I'm always up and trying to make sure she isn't going to hurt herself or leave the house and go missing.

I hate her but I love her so much. I really do and when I hear what people think of my mom, it hurts more than anything when I defend her with everything I have. I cry my heart out for her and pray for her to get better but it never happens and you know what? I'm still hopeful. I'm hopeful she'll get better.

What I'm trying to say is don't take anyone's love for granted like I did. I never use to hug my mom or tell her I loved her enough because I wasn't affectionate and I was so uncomfortable but now when I see her, I regret it so much. I regret not hugging her tighter or telling her I loved her when she left for work to put food on the table for me and my sisters. I used to get so annoyed and argue with her whenever she lectured me but now I miss it because now I know she only did it out of love. I miss when she cooked for me every day or took care of me when I was sick. I hadn't realized how much I relied on my mom until she stopped being a mom so please love yours and appreciate the people who love and care about you. Life switches up so fast that we're unable to grasp it. Anything can happen so appreciate every moment.

As much as I hate the responsibility and how much my siblings rely on me, I wouldn't give it to anyone else in the world. Never. I love my sisters with my whole heart, it's a connection that you can never break. Everyone always tells us it's weird how close we are but it's because we're all we have.

Azrael is a mixture of me and my mom. Lucio has parts of me that I relate to so much. They both are the eldest siblings trying to raise there younger ones and it isn't easy.

My mom use to go through what Azrael went through, her schizophrenic mother was abusive and she was also a junkie and just like Azrael, she had to be strong for her four younger brothers while they were being hopped from foster home to foster home. I wish I could say Lucio was my dad but he isn't, my dad has also gone through so much but his story is for another time.

Life is hard but it will get better. You have to get through the bad to get to the good. Don't forget it. You have the power to switch your life around and make it better, don't let any obstacle stand in your way.

Thank you for reading this story. I really appreciate the comments everyone leaves and I'm so thankful you even gave it the time of day. I didn't think anyone would ever read it but it happened and I am so grateful.

I love you.