TW: death mention, description of someone's death, cemementary, child abuse/abuse mentions, etc...
Onika
I'm visiting my dad's grave today.
I'm bringing the usual bouquet of flower and a quick lunch. There's a lot on my mind. Usually I go to my mama or cry it out in my own, but for some reason that hasn't worked so I brought enough so I can stay here a few hours and sit with my dad and talk to him.
He passed when I was almost 4 years old. A really bad car accident and the person that tailed him kept going. Someone driving a fucking 18 wheeler. I'm convinced he was a dumbass or seriously intended to kill someone the day he did but my dad died on the scene pretty much immediately.
I don't remember much from experience but I do remember my mama clutching me tight in her arms as she went to the hospital. I remember her tears.
I remember being in her arms at the funeral and not being able-- or allowed to look at him, I should say.
There are a plethora of home videos and pictures of me and him playing and having a blast and I can recall and my mama confirms that him and I were inseparable. Even when I was diagnosed with being intersex he didn't care and treated me like a princess. He didn't change the way he viewed me. I was still his baby.
When I was a little girl I never understood his sudden absence until I hit about 6 or 7 years old and was able to read pretty advanced for my age. Mama had his obituary and the newspaper that posted about the accident and death folded up together.
I read it a bit through, but eventually consulted an older kid at school who read it out for me with little to no errors. I told my mama that I knew and she looked like she felt sick for a second.
Amira was already born by that time and her dad was in the picture for two years and he caused hell for those two years.
My mama later admitted in a conversation a few years ago that it may have been due to me being intersex. I remember sometimes all of my dolls being missing and then when I got them back they'd look like they were washed to perfection.
He'd say slick things about my dad and since I still remembered, I'd respond and he wouldn't like it. He said slick things about how he was gonna fight to have Amira 'raised right'. Sometimes would act like I wasn't there.
He would try to 'discipline' me for no reason sometimes to the point where a neighbor broke the door down and came and got me and didn't let me out of her house until mama returned,
That man is horrible and I'm glad mama let him go.
He decided to start acting up shortly after Amira was born. Excessively cheating on my mama, talking Shut about her appearance literally A WEEK after she gave birth, made her feel like shit and only used Amira as a picture prop and after a while just left.
I remember sometimes feeling so low that I'd just talk to my dad's pictures for hours, asking him to help me and my situation.
I wish he'd never tried to go to work that day.
I set the bouquet down on his grave right by the headstone. The people who own the cementary clean headstones frequently, so he's looking squeaky clean.
"Hi dad." I smile and sit down next to his grave cross cross apple sauce similar to how mama said we used to whenever she'd be cooking.
Sometimes he'd sneak bits out of the pots and pans and we'd share it until the food was completely ready.
I get my quick lunch out and open it up.
"I'll leave some for you."
I got a Zaxby's meal. The wings and things but I prefer the boneless chicken. I find the regular wings to never really have enough meat on them. Barbecue flavor of course cuz me and my dad could never get enough of barbecue.
"Hey, dad. How you been?"
I feel warmth all around me like a hug. I feel he's here with me.
"Dad, I got girl issues." I sigh. "Megan, I know I've mentioned her to you before."
A sudden gush of wind brushes against the flowers and ruffles my napkins.
You should've slowed down that day with your reaction.
"I know."
This'll all work out. You two definitely deserve eachother.
I stop eating and just leave the open to go box out for him.
"I know I messed up but I don't know how to fix it. She's back in Houston for-- ion even truly know how long."
I shrug, feeling a bit defeated.
I sigh, "I won't even lie, I feel like my childhood is the reason for that. With the way Brandon treated mama, I just didn't want to be that person to you know stick around someone like that. And I assumed too quickly."
Yes.
"And it's the way Julian saw and I still ain't believe her in the moment."
I begin to cry and hide my face in my hands. I even went scavenging the earth for Tiffany because I though that maybe it would help me get over it and 'get back at her' by immediately getting back with someone else. But I never found Tiffany and I ended up being the fucking clown when Megan's career really took off and I almost completely lost access to her.
Megan has always been special to me and I can't believe I fucked it up.
Nowadays I get scared overthinking that maybe some of Brandon's behaviors stuck to me.
"Amira even saw it..." I say. "Mama saw it."
I take a big inhale.
"How am I gonna fix this?"
Stop being so scared, Nika.
___________
Thoughts?
