In His Name

Chapter 19 - In the alleyway

Slumping against a stone wall, frigid water from the wet moss soaks into the back of Rosco's shirt, he hardly notices. The stream of tears he'd been fighting for a while now starts freely flowing down his cheeks. Tansy hovers nearby, tiny hands rubbing his shoulders in an effort to comfort.

Rosco hadn't managed to talk to as many families as he'd hoped. It had been so much harder than he expected, and he'd expected it to be hard. Large groups and high emotions always eat away at his brain until there's nothing left of him aside from his least desirable pieces. He needs to get up, talk to more people, be useful, he just can't. Shame and hate cut into his chest like glass, making it difficult to fill his lungs. First job Hayden actually gives him, and he can't do it right. The god will probably realize just how useless Rosco really is and be done with him. Yewin was right. He never should have come all the way out here. He was doomed to get fired. He always gets fired. And now he'll have to get back on his own and face that humiliation.

The worst part is, the thing that really broke him wasn't the mass of hurting people, he'd prepared himself for that, closed himself off, it was the jealousy. These people are grieving and Rosco had the audacity to resent them for it. The moment he recognized the sharp shape of jealousy growing within him, all his efforts to cobble together a functioning person had crumbled. The guilt was just too heavy to hold up and Rosco is ready to just bury himself in it.

Tensing in on himself a little tighter, the boy contemplates how long he'd have to sit here for the moss to just grow over him. Unlike the missing teens with the pleading mothers and fathers, no one would cry for him. He imagines it won't even take all that long for the few people who knew him to completely forget he'd existed.

Tansy gently mutters something, reminding Rosco of the wildflower's presence. Which just makes him feel worse. Tansy is probably worried about him, assuming he has a real problem and not that he's a pathetic parasite who doesn't deserve Tansy's friendship. Even though Rosco doesn't understand what Tansy is saying, he can tell the wildflower is trying to calm him down and offer him some comfort. How is he going to explain that he's broken because he's just made wrong?

"Rosco?"

His head instinctively lifts at the sound of Hayden's voice calling to him. He really hadn't meant to; he just couldn't help himself. Hayden's standing in the opening of the alleyway, looking concerned. A few minutes ago, Rosco was bitter because he wanted someone to be concerned for him, now that someone is, he really wishes they weren't.

Like the coward that he is, he Immediately hides his face back into the crook oh his elbow. He hears Tansy dart away, and then the tiny voice over closer to where Hayden was. The heavy footfalls of Hayden's boots announce his approach with every step, and Rosco winces at each one.

Resettling on the boy's shoulder, Tansy snuggles close. The wildflower's attempt at comfort is somehow both unnerving and welcome. Hayden crouches down beside him, Rosco doesn't need to look to know it, a guy his size can't move without notice.

"Tansy says you suddenly became distressed," Hayden starts, voice gentle and low, "They're worried you've become ill." It sounds like Hayden already knows that he's not. Rosco really doesn't know what to do with that, but he feels really terrible about worrying Tansy. He hates upsetting people. Summoning all his willpower, he gives his head a small shake. Tansy immediately huffs, touching down on his knee and stomps, launching into what can only be a harsh scolding.

"I'm sorry," voice small and rough, "I didn't mean to worry you." Peeking out around his arm to see his little friend. Sniffling, Tansy crosses their arms, plopping down to sit defiantly on Rosco's knee, rubbing little tears from their eyes.

"Will you tell me what did happen?" Hayden sounds patient and concerned and kind. Rosco would rather he yell; Rosco knows how to handle others' anger. He swallows thickly to combat his tightening throat. How is he going to explain this? He searches his brain for some viable excuse, but there isn't one and the harder he tries, the more he loses the ability to speak at all, dragging on the silence. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to." Hayden provides, "Though, I would be happy to listen if you did." The god adds on, leaning back against the wet mossy wall and stretching his long legs out in front of him. Tansy chitters expectantly making Hayden sigh, "Tansy would like you to confirm once more that you are not ill." He translates. From the corner of his eye, Rosco watches Hayden reach out to Tansy, offering a hand. Tansy shakes their head, patting Rosco's knee.

"I'm not sick, I promise." Rosco answers, pleasantly surprised he's found his voice again, "I just," shrugging his shoulders, "got overwhelmed?" He knows what he expects to find in Hayden's eyes, anger, annoyance at the very least, but the god's expression is soft. His eyes clear and light, no hint of his telling darkness lingering there. Glancing away, Rosco's breath trembles, threatening more tears. "I'm sorry." He mumbles, twisting the ring on his thumb.

"Do not apologize," the god commands, "I also found myself a bit overwhelmed. And your plan of retreating to a secluded alleyway is significantly more mature than my reaction."

Rosco slowly lifts his head, a little afraid to ask, "What did you do?"

"Nothing permanent." Hayden shrugs, "The head priest will be much quieter for a while. Though, I did come rather close to causing a massive earthquake."

"An earthquake?!" the boy's fingers tangling in his hair, "Oh my gods that so much worse than a fire!" his eyes growing wide, "You could have leveled the entire city!" slowly unraveling himself, "and we're right next to the mountains, there would be landslides!"

Snickering, Tansy relocates to the cobble stone, beginning to inspect the patches of green push up through the cracks.

"Calm down," Hayden rolls his eyes, "I didn't." folding up his legs, "I would not have been as careful if I'd realized you were going to scold me anyway." He grumbles to himself.

"Nearly causing an earthquake was careful?!" Rosco squeaks.

The barest hints of a grin raise the corners of Hayden's lips, "Do you feel a bit better?"

Rosco blinks, "Wait," Shooting an accusatory glare at the god, "Did you say that bit about the earthquake just to shock me out of my own head?" The high of the moment is beginning to wane, and some of the tension is leaking out of his shoulders.

Hayden smiles, about to answer, then falters, confusion wrinkling between his eyes, "Would yes or no get me out of being scolded again?" Tansy shouts their input from a little further down the alleyway, causing Hayden to glower, "No one asked your opinion." He snaps, sending Tansy into a gale of laughter. "What does it take for a god to get a little respect around here?" Hayden huffs, "Maybe I should have caused that earthquake after all." Tansy flutters back over, taking a deep exaggerated bow before the pouting god, giving a tiny speech, their tone steeped in mock reverence. Hayden rolls his eyes in response, turning on Rosco, "It's probably a good thing you can't understand them, I'm not sure what I'd do if you started picking up on their sass." The wildflower giggles, floating up to rest again on Rosco's knee.

"Someone has to sass you when you go around nearly leveling cities." Rosco points out, earning him a lopsided high-five from Tansy.

"I didn't!" Hayden defends.

Rosco and Tansy share a look and Hayden sighs, thoroughly done with them both. "I never should have introduced you two."