In His Name

Chapter 76 - Waiting

In the beginning, I knew nothing of romance. My sister and I only knew of one facet of love. The love of family. We loved each other. We loved our Mother, and she in turn loved us. The day my sister and I came to understand the love our mother had for creation was not the same as the love she felt for us, our understanding of the concept shattered and was remade into something greater. We shared in her love for creation and made uncountable worlds and universes as diverse and magical as we could imagine. But we are not like mother, and the endless birth became unsatisfying. Mother was pleased when we voiced our concerns to her and told us that it was time for our greatest creation: life. We spent a great deal of time making the universe we would plant life in. It is grander and far more complex than any other we had created, and we feel it is also the most beautiful. 

Ash was the first consciousness we awoke from nothing, for in the world we created, life would require heat. Mother said heat and the fires Ash made reminded her of my sister and placed Ash under her command. She then said that the stillness of cold reminded her of me and that when Ash's fires burned out, those places would be mine. Even though the thought bothered us at first, mother was right; The frensy of life tired me and the quiet of rest made my sister anxious. And so, for the first time we felt divided. Equal in ability, but not aptitude. We give each other strength where we are the weakest, and in this way, became truly whole.

When we made Ash, we had yet to learn the other ways love could again be fractured, and so Ash only knew how to love as we did at the time. When our world was finished and populated, we approached Ash and now Ember, who had later separated from the first and we asked them if they wanted to be changed, to be able to know the romantic love the others enjoyed and share in it. Ash immediately rebuffed the idea, already happy and comfortable with themself and said they did not need such a thing to feel full. Ember took their time to consider our offer. But, in the end, agreed with Ash, and told us that even if we gave them the ability, that they still would not wish to exercise it.

After a time, the lure of romance and intimacy began to appeal to my sister, it came easily to her, as most things do, and she took many partners. Most among the spirit populations but some among the human. She shared herself and found it pleasing and fulfilling, while I grew restless. Again, we were divided, but this time I did not feel that it made us strong. This time, I only felt as though I was falling behind, that I had been left alone. I wanted to love in this way also, I ached for it. But hard as I tried, I never felt the stirrings needed for intimacy, never craved another the way romantic partners do. I went to Mother to ask her if I had somehow been made the way Ash and Ember had been, and if that was the case, why did I want that sort of love if they never did?

Mother, always kind, comforted me first. Then she explained to me that I was not like Ash and Ember, but neither was I like my sister. That my love would be harder to earn. That I was not suited to taking just any partner as she did, but that I needed something else as well. And once found, my love would blossom into everything I craved and more. Mother told me not to look too hard for this gift because hunting for it would make it harder to find. So, I put it out of my mind, reassured that I was not faulty in anyway, just waiting.

Time passed on scales that are difficult to put into words and my dream of romance was pushed so far into the back of my mind, it could be called forgotten. So, when the connection I had been so long waiting for finally tied itself in knots so tight around me they would never be undone, I did not recognize it.

It was late, Rosco sat chatting with the young witch and the oddity, about history I would rather forget, so I tune them out. My increasingly strange and unexpected impulses towards Rosco are beginning to make it difficult to interact with him. I needed to sort out what it means before my confusion feeds so far into his fear, I will never dig him out. I'd pushed him away. I saw the hurt and fear in him the moment it happened, but I wanted things from him I had never wanted from anyone, he stirs something in me I don't understand, and nothing make me anxious like the unknown. I refuse to take anything from him until I'm sure I know what it will mean, but neither do I want to drive him away in my confusion. My eyes wonder over to him in time to see his bright curiosity morph into terror, their conversation is teetering around the edge of something that makes him deathly afraid.

"Hold on," Flynn interrupts, sounding shocked and a little angry, "but if what you're saying is true, that would mean Hayden made the laws against witches, mixing blood lines," eyes flicking to Rosco for a fraction of a second, "Queer relationships."

The dread in Rosco's eyes expanded to his breaking point. The fact that people still believed I said those horrid things pushes me to unimaginable anger, but the look in Rosco's eyes is that of a man ruined by betrayal. My perception of time freezes as the implications slam into me. Shaking universes that have not been touched since the beginning of time. All the fragmented pieces floating around in my head finally click firmly into place. And for once, since the treachery of my priest, everything makes perfect sense. The way he smiles at me, how he hides his face when his cheeks burn red, the way he shivers at my touch, reaches for it, and then shies away in shame.

He desires me in the same way I desire him.

But he has been told that such a desire is wrong, that he is faulty and vile for it and that I was the one who said his love was repulsive. Yet, none of that could be further from the truth. I have to fix this. I have to fix this now.

"No, not quite-"

"Rosco, I love you."

He's understandably startled, I hadn't said anything before now and I had spoken far louder than the situation calls for. He smiles his beautiful smile, but I see his heart breaking in his eyes, "I know," He chuckles lightly, "You love everyone." His voice cracking on the verge of tears.

This wretched, useless language failed me once again. He doesn't understand. Their word for love is shallow and overused, "No, I," I close the distance between us, faster than any mortal man can move but still not fast enough. Rosco is the partner I have been so patiently waiting for, and I suddenly can't stand to be apart from him for any span of time, no matter how small. My lips brush against his in the gentlest of movements. He's so fragile, I have to be so careful not to hurt him, especially when I want so much. A single careless move would leave him broken and I will never allow a lack of control to be the reason lose him. One quick intake of breath and he sits frozen, wide, dark eyes so fixated on me, he sees nothing else. I kiss him again, rougher this time, but still a far cry from all I want. "Love you." My own voice shaking under the massive strain of my restraint. I see a thousand emotions pass over his face, shock, bliss, satisfaction, hunger, doubt and then fear. Before I allow anymore of his misconceptions to speak, I trace my finger over his full lips, red and wet as evidence of my desire for him, "I told you before that you are the furthest thing from a mistake, and I meant it. Mother made you to be exactly the way you are, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I never said your love is condemnable. That is a lie left over from a man who used my name to do unforgiveable things."

My words hang in the air, and I can only hope they reach him. He has so many doubts, I truly fear what it might take to bring them all down.

My long-awaited gift lets out a shaky breath, "You don't hate me." It's a statement, not a question. His gaze soft but steady, holding a vulnerability he's never before trusted me with.

In that moment, the sharp sensation of dissatisfaction I've felt for weeks rounds into the fullness of completion. A laugh bubbles up from within me, "Quite the opposite." I beam, "Shall I kiss you again to prove it?"