In His Name

Chapter 87 - Want to?

The heat curling in Rosco's stomach solidifies when Hayden meets his eyes. For the first time in his life, all the shameful acts of intimacy he's imagined and longed for seem very possible and imminent. His skin goes cold and his heart hammers against his ribs, mind suddenly screaming at him that he isn't ready for this, that he doesn't even really know how. Sure, he'd heard other boys boast about their adventures, and Lolly had of course given him a basic lecture about how such things work. But whispered tall tales and a blanket order not to get a girl pregnant won't help him here. And he has a pretty strong feeling fantasy doesn't match the realities of intimacy. But his fantasies seem really nice and whatever parts of him that aren't scared out of his mind, are begging to find out exactly where his dreams can coincide with the man that inspires them. So maybe not right now, he tries to sooth himself, this is definitely something he wants, just later. Maybe he can get Flynn to answer some of his more pressing questions. Flynn has claimed to have taken a boy to bed before, and if he can be believed, maybe he'll be willing to tell Rosco what to expect, how not to make a fool of himself, and most importantly, how not to disappoint. For a moment, that thought succeeds in calming him and his panic ebbs long enough for him to realize he'd gone tense enough to ache. His muscles ease before tightening right back up, because if this is something Hayden wants from him, who is Rosco to deny him anything? Does he have the right to say no? Hayden's a god after all and Rosco's just Rosco, an insignificant little human with nothing else to offer.

Hayden's hold on him relaxes, leaning away slightly, "But you should be treated carefully, with intention, not handled with impulsiveness." His god says quietly, gaze wandering him with such loving softness Rosco's insides go gooey with warmth again. Who's he kidding? This is Hayden, he would never force Rosco to do anything he doesn't want to. Hayden is a perfect gentleman, not at all the like guys Rosco would overhear laughing at about being rough with a girl or enjoying their looks of discomfort and fear. Hayden probably would have punched those guys or something equally painful and scary but much more dignified. Rosco's body relaxes again in Hayden's hands, pliant and soft as butter. There's no reason to panic or be afraid. Hayden doesn't think of him as something lowly and consumable. He'd said Rosco would always have a choice and that it would be respected.

The boy rests his head back against the plains of Hayden's chest. The god really is unfairly attractive, like he's the template all other man were based on, and everyone else just doesn't quite measure up to the original. Hayden's fingers skate up and down the line of his spine in light, effortless movements and Rosco wonders unwittingly what those fingers would feel like against his bare skin. A pleasant, excited, nervous shiver travels across the same path of Hayden's hand. Does he really want to say no? What if a no now, means a no forever? This new question returns his anxiety tenfold. What if that wasn't what Hayden had meant at all? What if his god will never want him in that way? Hayden had said he loves him, and he'd definitely kissed him, a few times, but he'd never really said anything about wanting more and they'd not kissed again since they'd stood in the main hall of his palace. Has Rosco already messed up and made Hayden lose interest in him? It's not like he's appealing or attractive in any way, how was he supposed to hold Hayden's attention? Can he ask? Or is this one of those things people expect him to just know somehow? Oh gods, this is almost more stressful than thinking his crush is hopeless!

The last of Hayden's built-up irritation evaporated while Rosco was panicking, and a comfortable humming noise rumbles from his chest. "it's getting late, you should sleep soon."

Rosco nods, pulling away, feeling like he might throw up, "Can I ask you something before I go?" he mutters timidly peeking through his lashes to gage his god's reaction.

Hayden hums a noise of consent, "I was wandering if you'd tell me what is bothering you."

"You can tell something is bothering me?" Rosco asks warily.

Hayden chuckles, his eyes smiling while his face stayed neutral, "You're extremely expressive, Rosco."

Gods why does Hayden have to be so handsome, it's not fair. Rosco dips his head to hide his blush, wishing he could borrow Hayden's perfect poker face.

Hayden hums, guiding Rosco's gaze back to him with a hand gliding through his curls, "Are you ready to tell me what makes these beautiful eyes so troubled?"

Rosco's eyes flutter shut, leaning into the hand now cradling his face, pulling in a deep breath, and dwelling on the calm Hayden brings him. His god's comfort quiets his busy mind long enough to realize he should have just taken the escape and run away to bed to give himself time to think about how to actually ask what he needs to ask, because let's face it, Rosco is a socially awkward virgin, how is he supposed to say, "Do you want to have sex with me," tactfully, and without becoming an uncomfortable mess.

Hayden's body goes completely rigid against him, like he's genuinely become marble. Rosco's brows twitch, eyes opening to find Hayden staring at him with a thoroughly scandalized expression.

Rosco swallows, his blood turning to ice, "Um, so, which part of that sentence did I say aloud?" he asks, already knowing the answer. Hayden remains utterly unresponsive for an uncomfortably long time. Until he finally clears his throat, slowly retreating and untangling himself from Rosco while trying to make it seem like he's not actually trying to get away from him, "You said-" his abnormally husky voice falling quiet.

"Oh, yeah, no, I know." Rosco rambles, completely panicking, "That, uh wasn't what I'd- well, what I mean is that- You know what? Pretend that didn't happen? Yeah? Okay." Turning to flee to his room, "Goodnight."

"Wait, wait, wait." Hayden calls, grabbing Rosco's arm before he can get very far, "We should talk about this," glancing at the floor and then the celling and then not quite at Rosco but at his hand on the boy's arm, "I just wasn't anticipating you being so," finally meeting his eyes, "Forward."

"Oh gods!" Rosco groans, hiding his face behind his hands, cheeks so full of excess blood they physically hurt, "I wanna die."

"Don't say that."

"Nope, I'm serious," shaking his head while still managing to keep hidden, "I'm so embarrassed I really might just keel over," suddenly grabbing Hayden's hand off his arm to press it over his heart, "do you feel that?" Rosco stresses, pressing Hayden's palm firmly against the hummingbird pace of his heartbeat, "it's not supposed to feel like that! I'm literally about to die," swaying slightly from his lightheadedness, "I just had to panic and say something like that out loud, because I'm freaking out! I didn't mean now!" half shouting, "unless you meant now, in which case I don't know that I want to. I mean, I totally want to," eyeing Hayden up and down, "I really, really want to. I'll probably be devastated if you never want to, I mean, do you even?" trying not to glance at Hayden's pants, "never mind." Shaking his head, "That's fine, I'd never thought I'd get to anyway? So that would suck, but it would be okay, great even. You've already given me more than I could ever ask for, I should be grateful, I am grateful, not greedy, I don't want to be greedy. Because if you don't want to," scrunching up his nose, "Then I don't want to. But, if you can? Or whatever, and you maybe also, ya know, want to? I don't know that I'm, uh, ready? For that, right now? If that's okay? Is it okay?" frowning at himself, "Because if I want to, and I definitely want to, then, why don't I want to?! It doesn't make any sense!" half shouting again, "And I don't want to screw this up," Eyes locking on Hayden's in wide panic, "Oh gods I'm totally going to ruin this! I'm doing it right now, aren't I?! Why can't I be normal for like five seconds!?" H

His stream of consciousness ended the only sound between them is Rosco's shallow frantic breaths.

Hayden waits for Rosco to take a least one full breath before speaking, "Is there anything else?" he asks gently, like speaking too quickly or loudly will set off another word bomb.

Rosco shakes his head and Hayden guides the boy to the bed to sit, "That was pretty much all of it." Rosco breathes, feeling an odd combination of numb and liberated. At least he doesn't have to worry about how to ask anymore.