In His Name

Chapter 52 - Much more than a crush

Once Rosco gets his camp sufficiently set up and ready for the night, he sets about soothing his aching body. Their nonstop pace and the fact he'd not slept comfortably for the last several nights is beginning to take its toll on him. He reaches up into the night's sky, closing his eyes and allowing his muscle memory to take over, fluidly moving from one shape to the next in a well-practiced routine. He hasn't done this in a while, so it feels amazing, allowing his body to stretch to its full potential.

As he moves a tingle on the back of his neck urges his eyes open, acutely aware his god is watching him. It's not all that abnormal for his god to be watching him, however now there is a certain charged intensity to his gaze that's making Rosco's lips curl into a smile and a pleasant sort of heat settle on his cheeks. He has Hayden's full attention, and knowing that, the boy unconsciously begins making a bit more of a show out of it. He pushes himself a little harder, stretching a little further, making sure the curve of his back is perfect and the lines of his arms and legs are appealing and not ungainly. His body has always been more suited for activities that favor the limber, though it was certainly not for a lack of trying. He tried all the same jobs Yewin did, and while Yewin grew into a hulking figure of a man, Rosco stayed small and willowy. No matter what he pushes, pulls, or lifts, his muscles just never gain any bulk. But Yewin can't move his body like Rosco can, and for the moment he's very grateful for that fact. Even Tansy is impressed, but Rosco can't help but feel the look is a little different.

Suddenly blindsided by shame, Rosco loses his balance, falling over into the dirt. He groans, curling into a ball, hiding his face against the ground. What is he thinking!? Hayden isn't like him. Rosco had gotten so mad at that man today for assuming the worst of the god for no real reason. And yet here he is, forcing his twisted perversions on the god just because Hayden is generous with compliments. He's disgusting and contemptable. Rosco had sincerely hoped that declaring his desire for the other man is reverent and not romantic, would alleviate the more impure aspects of his affection. But if anything, they are getting stronger, harder to ignore. He's starting to see his own longings reflected in the god's eyes. And since that is clearly impossible, he can only assume it's getting worse.

"Rosco?" Hayden's deep voice not helping clear his dirty mind, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" popping up like a daisy, pointedly avoiding the eyes of both his companions. Tansy is far too observant; the wildflower would take one look at him and know he's being gross. And knowing Hayden can see into his soul adds another level of legitimacy to his fears the god might find out and hate him.

"You were whimpering into the dirt." Hayden counters, unimpressed.

"Don't worry about it," he chuckles nervously, digging through his bag hoping to find something to distract them all with, "I was just over thinking. It happens. When I'm not over talking, I'm over thinking. My mind never shuts up and most the time it spills out through my mouth so everyone can hear it but sometimes I'm the only one who has to suffer the sound of my voice and this particular time I was thinking too much, or maybe I was mad at myself for not thinking enough, or thinking too hard about the wrong things and then I got so caught up in my head, I forgot what I was doing and where I was and who I was with and I whimpered into the dirt." Frown creasing between his eyes, "That doesn't make it sound any better, does it?" Tansy sats beside him, patting his arm placatingly. Rosco sucks in a deep breath, preparing himself for unpleasant conversation in hops it will quell his distorted delusions. "On a somewhat unrelated note," swallowing for courage, "I couldn't help but notice you seemed especially close to Ash," keeping his eyes down, "And you mentioned having a particular fondness for them, I was uh, wondering, if maybe, you uh had a special sort of relationship with them? The uh romantic sort?" blushing horribly.

Hayden makes a weird face, "Of course not." Rosco hears the frown in Hayden's tone and is instantly worried he's said something offensive. "Ash and Ember do not feel love in that way."

"But you said you love them?" Rosco asks, feeling an odd mix of relief and troubled.

"Love comes in many forms, Rosco." Hayden says in a way that makes Rosco think Hayden is still grossed out by the idea of being in love with Ash. "The love I have for Ash is nothing like a romantic partner."

"oh," Rosco chews his lip. So Hayden isn't attracted to whatever Ash is, but that doesn't mean-carefully peaking up, "Do you see anyone in that way?" he wanders.

Hayden's brow crinkles skeptically, "I do not believe myself incapable as they are. My sister has had many such relationships in the past, but I have yet to personally experience it." eyes narrowing on him, "Why do you ask?" Hayden grills, "Have you had experience with such relationships?"

Rosco panics, mind racing a mile a minute. He won't lie, but he can't exactly tell the truth. "Um," trying to swallow around his dry mouth, settling on vagueness to get him through, "Sort of? Not really. There was someone, once," Shivering in the sudden cold, "That I uh, liked that way," curling in on himself to hide, "but I never really told them about my f-feeling," blushing furiously, "I mostly try to ignore it. Lately, the feeling has become quiet? more like a memory than a real feeling." He's said way more than he meant to at this point but he's having a hard time stopping the word vomit. "But I've kinda held on to it? Afraid that if I let it go, I might find myself feeling that way about someone else." His gaze accidently lifting, meeting the gods.

Hayden's expression is complicated; hard, yet horribly distressed, "You still love them?"

Rosco shakes his head, admitting to himself for the first time that he no longer loves Yewin like he once had. If he's being truthful with himself, he has not felt that way about the other boy in a long time. With that realization, another slams into him. What he feels for Hayden isn't empty lust, though there is some of that, and it isn't the love a worshiper feels for their god, though there is some of that too, and it certainly isn't the shallowness of an innocent crush. He's in love with Hayden. The kind that makes him dizzy and steady all at once, the kind that makes him want to touch and be touched, the kind that makes him want more for Hayden than he could ever want for himself and made him desperate for Hayden to know joy.

"Oh no!" He groans loudly, breaking eye contact to hide his face in his hands and rolling forward to whimper into the dirt again.

The harsh bell like sound of Tansy scolding Hayden fills the air.

"What are you yelling at me for?!" Hayden asks, astounded, "I don't even know what's happening!"

Tansy counters with something else.

"I didn't do anything to him!" the gods deep voice rumbles from right above him, a large warm hand smoothing tentatively over his back, "Rosco?" Hayden probes, much softer, "Are you alright?"

"No." the boy groans again. Why does the god have to be so nice to him!? Doesn't he know how weak Rosco is to kindness. The hint of concern laced in the gods voice makes his heart swell and see things that can't be there. Every hint of hope already trampled by hopelessness. He just realized the true extent of his feelings and he's already crushed by them.

"Can I help you?" Hayden asks genuinely, worried now.

"You could fix me." The boy grumbles under his breath.

"Fix you?" Hayden asks confused, "I don't see anything wrong with you?"

Ugh, damn Hayden and his perfect supernatural hearing, "I'm just grumpy because I haven't had a good nap lately." Pulling away from Hayden's touch to crawl into his bed. while his words are true enough, that certainly isn't the real problem, "Tansy," he calls over his shoulder, "I would appreciate some space tonight if that's alright with you?"

Tansy nods in agreement then throws a nasty glare at Hayden who throws his hands up in exasperation.