In His Name

Chapter 57 - What you want

Hayden still has the small gift in his hands, inspecting it closely. Rosco squirms, uncomfortably. He sees every mistake as glaring, and all of the places he'd rushed as dull and lacking in skill and details. He has half a mind to snatch it back and promise his god something better in the future. But Hayden looks so happy he can't bring himself to do it.

"Oh right." Hayden blinks as if he just remembered the rest of world exists, "I brought you out here for a reason."

"To find your sister and correct the imbalance in the world." Rosco nods, reciting the words like a mantra.

"Well, yes." Hayden smiles, "But, I meant here to the woods, this particular evening."

"Oh." twisting his ring, "What reason?"

"To teach you to read."

Rosco's nose wrinkles up, turning his puzzled eyes back on his god, "Why?"

"Do you not want to learn?" Hayden asks, apparently surprised by the boy's lack of enthusiasm.

"Well," Rosco muses, thinking of the stack of books Kenneth had stashed away in his wagon, the red cloth covered one the man had in his hands, leisurely turning the pages by the fire side, "I'd like to," he admits with clear reluctance, "but wouldn't it just be a waste of time? Yewin tried to show me some of the letters when we were small, but I just didn't get it and Yewin got really frustrated with me and gave up after a while. And then, when I got a bit older and asked about it again, he reminded me that it wasn't like I had any chance of getting a decent job, and since I'm too stupid and it was really hard for me, that it would just be a waste of his effort and-" he halts, noticing the darkness swirling in Hayden's eyes, "what's wrong? Why are you mad!? Did I say something wrong?" the boy begins to panic, glancing away to run through everything he'd just said to find his mistake.

"Rosco," Hayden says his name far too calmly for comfort, "Did Yewin use those exact words or are you paraphrasing?"

"Um, well uh," Rosco stammers, trying to recall, "It was a long time ago, so not that exactly, but that's pretty close to what he said." brow furrowing in thought, "It was a pretty long conversation, I really wanted to learn and bothered him about it for a while before he finally convinced me it was pointless. I don't even know why I was so insistent. I really don't need to read. I should have just listened to him the first time. He always knows best. I'm hardheaded, so it took me way too long to just accept his words and trust him. My childhood would have been a lot simpler if I hadn't forced him to teach me the same lessons over and over again," Rosco ruminates while he tries to puzzle out what he'd done wrong this time. His gaze flickers back up to meet Hayden's, hoping his god will just tell him the mistake so he can apologize and maybe try to make amends.

Hayden isn't looking at him anymore, his eyes cast off to the west, the normally pretty, light-colored irises, a cold emotionless void, drinking in the darkness. Rosco shivers. Black eyes mean his god is really upset, that he's resorting to emptiness to hold back the waves of his anger.

"I'm sorry," Rosco whispers.

"For what?" Hayden asks evenly.

Rosco swallows, eyes dropping to his feet, "I don't know," he admits, "Whatever I did to make you so angry. I'm sorry, I don't know what I did wrong, but I can't do better if you won't tell me what I did."

Hayden sighs deeply; his demeanor softening though his eyes stay dark. He takes Rosco's face in his hands, gently tipping their foreheads together, "I am not angry with you. You have brought me joys I had yet to know could be and joys I thought I would never know again. I am angry with every person who has filled this precious head with the sort of lies that have led you to the belief you are not worthy of something so basic as reading." brushing his knuckles over the length of the boy's cheek bones as he pulls away, "And the ones that have taught you to tremble at anger not even directed towards you."

Rosco folds his hands into his arms, he hadn't even realized they were shaking "People are angry with me a lot," he replies softly, "it's usually a safe bet."

"Do you want to learn?" Hayden asks anew.

Rosco doesn't want to frustrate Hayden the way he'd frustrated Yewin when the older boy had tried to teach him, but neither can he honestly tell his god the idea does not interest him. "I do, but-"

Hayden holds up a finger to stop him, "If you want to learn, then I will teach you. No matter how you take to the task, if this is knowledge you wish to possess, then the effort will not in any way, be a waste of our time."

Rosco doesn't know how to respond. He tries to hide a sniffle, but it doesn't work. His throat aches to cry, and his eyes are heavy with unshed tears.

Hayden sighs softly as the first tear breaks through, gently wiping it away as it tried to roll down the boy's cheeks, "I really can't stand the sight of it, but you're so lovely with teary eyes."

"Why are you always so nice to me?" Rosco's tone harsh tone gives the question an air of accusation, pulling away to rub furiously at his face, "Just tell me what it is you want from me!" hands knotting in his hair, "I can't pay back all your kindness, I don't deserve it. I can't imagine what it is you want from me; I don't have anything to offer. Please, just tell me what you want and its yours! You don't have to sweet talk me anymore, I- I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what it means!" he begs breathlessly. His shaking has intensified, and his freely flowing tears blur his vision, but he meets Hayden's gaze, helplessly searching his god's face for answers.

Hayden appears dumfounded at first, then a distressed furrow forms between his eyes, "Rosco," he begins, his deep voice nearly disbelieving, "you don't have to pay for kindness." Hayden insists, moving closer, "It should come to you freely, you especially. And I have already told you what I want from you." pulling him in, "I want you to stay with me, not just because it is what I wish, but because you also want to stand at my side. I want to depend on you, to trust you. I want you to depend on me. And I have just realized; I want to be so kind to you, that you break down into tears every day. So that one day, I might be able to return a fraction of the kindness you have shown me. So that you no longer feel that you need to do anything to be deserving of it but come to expect it as ordinary. And simply because it makes me delighted to do so."

A strangled whine escapes from Rosco, hiding his face behind his hands. He lets his forehead fall forward to rest against his god's chest. Hayden doesn't allow him to hide for long, lifting his chin, forcing the boy to face him. Rosco watches as Hayden's eyes wander his face, memorizing him in detail.

"You cry so easily," the god notes softly, the hushed thought whispered so softly, Rosco isn't sure he was meant to hear, "such a gentle soul should be treated so very gently."

Rosco's traitorous blood runs hot, flooding his cheeks with heat, imagining a plethora of ways Hayden might be able to do just that. The boy works his dry tongue in his mouth, he wants to speak but can't think of a single acceptable thing to say.

Hayden's face blooms into a satisfied smile, his eyes their normal clear white again, "You should head back," he suggests, letting Rosco free of his hold, "You haven't been getting enough sleep lately."

"But-" Rosco instinctively protests before Hayden cuts him off,

"We will begin your lessons tomorrow evening," hisgod informs indisputably, "Goodnight Rosco." leaning forward to leave a kiss onthe boy's forehead before vanishing into the night.