In His Name

Chapter 67 - Sleepless

Rosco had imagined a lot of things when he thought of coming here and meeting the witch Ash had spoken of, but so far nothing is going the way he'd expected.

Flynn is nice, funny, sure of himself and pays lots of attention to Rosco. He can even see Tansy, which is cool. Tansy seemed to hate the other boy at first but is quickly warming up to him. Hayden is acting weird and being even quieter than usual. He isn't adding anything to the conversations and only answers if asked a direct question, and even then, it's mostly hums. Rosco and Flynn have some unspoken agreement not to bring up the conversation Barren and Hayden had shared. It felt like a touchy subject, but Rosco really hopes they will get some answers later when everyone has had a chance to calm down some.

Barren doesn't come down from his rooms at any point. After night has fallen, dinner has been shared and cups of coffee filled and then drained, Flynn finally gives up waiting for his teacher to make an appearance and prepares rooms for them to sleep in, showing them the doors and vanishing off into his own.

Hayden pulls Rosco in close, squeezing him tightly and moves his hair aside to give them a kiss him on the forehead before retreating to his own room. Tansy gives Rosco a concerned pat before chasing after the god, leaving Rosco alone outside the door of his own room with only the little yellow spirit to keep him company. Rosco hovers in the hall, chewing on his lips. It's been a weird couple of days and his nasty internal whispers all try to tell him that his friends are fed up with him and are just waiting for the first opportunity to vanish now that they've dumped him on someone else. He's doing his best to ignore them, but everyone feels a little off. The soul hums in warm delight as if it's trying to tell Rosco its pleased to have him around tonight even if no one else is. The boy smiled, holding it in his hands and petting it affectionately.

He mills around his room for a while, trying to come to terms with the concept of having a room all to himself. It's so clean and dry and comfortable. A big bed with lots of pillows, his pack sits in front of a large wardrobe, which is empty for his use. Flynn had left a full pitcher of cool water on a small table by the bed. It's the nicest room Rosco has ever dared to sleep in. (aside from that night in Hayden's palace) He sits on the bed and pulls up his legs to map out the floor space. He figures the single room is only slightly smaller than Lolly's shack. He tries to close his eyes and picture where everyone back home would roll out their sleeping mats, who would have fought over the spots by the small fireplace or the ones under the large window. The more he thinks about them, the more he feels crushed under the guilt. While Lolly freely offered him a corner of the little she has, unaware of all the ways he is a monster hiding in sheep's clothing, Rosco had put her and all the rest of them in danger with his mere proximity. And yet here he is, enjoying comforts the others had never known. He stands abruptly, ripping off the sheets he and Flynn had just put on the bed and arranges them on the floor. He doesn't deserve to sleep surrounded by softness, he's awful and selfish and a lair. He takes one more look around the room, disgusted with himself and contemplating sleeping outside, but that would be rude to Flynn, who went through all the effort to set the room up. Rosco sighs, pulling at his hair in frustration before blowing out the candle.

The moon is too bright through the windows, Rosco gets up from his place on the floor and tries to pull the curtains over them, but the silverly beams still manage to spill onto the smooth polished floorboards. And just like the moon, Rosco's mind refuses to allow him any rest. After a few hours of trying not to spiral into oblivion, Rosco gives up, grabbing his lantern to explore the castle. The little yellow soul bobbing along beside him. Most of the inner halls are steeped in thick darkness as the halls have few windows. His lamp is dressing his quiet steps in a pool of light, throwing haunting shadows on the walls as he sneaks about the gloomy passages. Seeking out stairs, Rosco hopes to find the unrestored parts of the building. His wandering helps to ease his thoughts as he walks the empty corridors, imagining the kind of people that had once lived and worked here.

His search for peace finds him in what had once been a library or a study. Remnants of rotten bookcases still clinging to stone walls. All the other furniture had long since crumbled away or been carried off. The large windows were free of the glass Rosco assumes had been there at some point, leaving the room open to the elements. A warm spring breeze blows through, bringing life to the abandoned place. In a darker corner of the room, Rosco finds a mostly sturdy spiral staircase leading up. Rosco normally isn't the most well thought out person to begin with, and tonight, running from his inner demons, he is feeling especially reckless. So, with not a thought spared for the very real possibility of falling through ancient rotten floors, Rosco climbs.

At the top, he finds a dilapidated balcony, the wood sags under his feet as he slinks across to the edge where the railing had long since fallen off, leaving the edge open to the drop. A shuttering breath fills his lungs, taking in the moonlit landscape. The elevation giving him a view of the sparkling lake clear to the opposite shore. Having grown up next to Ocyrin's massive expanse of water, this little lake is more like a pond to him. He wanders absently about what sort of spirit lives and rules there. A half smile touching his lips as he imagines how they might react to him calling their lake a pond.

"What are you doing there?!"

The surprise of the unexpected voice sends Rosco stumbling backwards, his foot hits a patch of particularly unstable flooring, going right through the termite eaten board. He yelps, waving his arms franticly to keep his balance. If he falls the impact would surely shatter whatever semblance of stability this floor has left and deposit him in a heap of splinters on the floor below, which would also not likely take well to the sudden weight. A gale of wind blows around him, stabilizing his teetering and holding him in place. Rosco looks up, expecting Hayden, to find Barren looking back at him from a similar but properly remodeled balcony across the way. He has his arms out, controlling the wind that is holding Rosco up. His look of terror morphing into anger as Rosco watches.

"What were you thinking?!" The man bellows in his deep achingly familiar voice. "That floor can barely hold itself up much less you!" Crossing the empty space between them on a gust of air, landing with impossibly soft steps beside him, "You only get one life! Don't throw it away on falling through rotten floorboards!"

"You're controlling the wind!" Rosco shouts back, too amazed to be bothered by the scolding.

Sighing, Barren holds out a hand, "come here."

Rosco obliges, well trained to follow simple orders, he puts his hand in the waiting one. Barren pulls him closer and the coil of air around Rosco dissipates.

"Hold on," Barren instructions again, wrapping an arm around Rosco as another burst of air carries them back to the more stable balcony.

As soon as Rosco's feet touch the solid floor he drops to his knees, shaking, "That was crazy." He exclaims, dropping his lamp to knot his fingers in his hair, "I thought you were Hayden and then you were you and I fell, well I almost fell, I thought I was really gonna die! That was like the scariest three seconds of my life!" thinking back on it, "Well, okay, no it wasn't, but it was pretty damn close and then the wind! Oh my gods we flew! You can fly! Shit! I'm never gonna sleep now!" Slumping and letting his fingers slide out of his curls to fall at his sides, "What did you mean about I only get one- Oof"

Barren cuts him off with a bone crushing hug, pulling away to grab roughly at his shoulders, "You stupid child I was so scared!"

Rosco blinks, wanting more hugs, it felt so nice, and he isn't sure he's up for a lecture. "I'm sorry." He mumbles.

"Why didn't you do anything? Were you just going to let yourself fall? Don't you have any idea how precious your life is?"

Rosco looks up to a genuine expression of concern and outrage and feels the beginnings of tears prick at his own eyes, "No. I don't," Losing his battle to not cry, "I don't know anything, I don't even know what I am or how I got this way. The more I learn about myself the more I feel like I don't belong here, like I'm wrong to exist. My life is precious?! How?! It feels like the only way my life would be redeemable would be if I wasn't in it!" Grabbing Barron's shirt to hide his sobs in the front of it, "Please tell me I'm not a monster, that I'm not wrong to be here. I just want to be good, to be useful. I already don't belong in so many ways, just please, tell me it's okay for me to be here."