The Prince's Prince [SeungJin]

Chapter 36

A/N: Angst and fluff ahead.

Chapter dedicated to @LucieAubert7

He looked at the ranunculus but they weren't enough. As beautiful and as vibrant as they were, they felt dead just like Hyunjin's pain at the moment. Hair clutched in his fists and veins wrapped with hair strands, he stared at them.

His wrist felt bare. He had momentarily deposited the clover with the repotted crotons and snake plants from his father's study which now graced the room that he worked the most in. He did feel alone but he wanted that; he'd need to get used to it because the burden may be shared for now while everyone was helping him race to the throne but after, the burden will be entirely his to bear.

He started to shudder again. Shortness of breath made him dizzy as he tried to suck in enough air because photosynthesis wasn't enough for him. He did his best to tune out the worry, worry, worry that the plants emanated. The tears and hiccups followed soon after and he found himself where he had started that morning: crying in his study because it was too much.

He felt like people were expecting too much from him; more than he was able to give. More than he wanted to give. Wasn't he entitled to some freedom? His own time to enjoy whatever he wanted?

He felt like he'll inevitably let people down and then they will never look at him the same way again.

He felt like he was a fraud who was stringing people along. Was he even capable of ruling when he was ruled by others and his own emotions that often?

He felt like everything was changing and he had absolutely no control. More people now knew and how long will it be before even more join them? He couldn't even control secrets much less a whole nation.

Control.

He felt like he depended too much on Seungmin for that. Did Seungmin also feel so much, too much like he was or did he have innate or better learned leadership abilities? Did Seungmin ever feel out of breath, out of energy because Hyunjin depended too much on him? He was always looking at him to approve ideas. Was always clutching him like a lifeline. How did Seungmin deal with so many feelings? How did Chan for that matter?

He could probably relate to him. He was a leader everyone depended on. He had a lot of different jobs and apparently, he let Minho take care of him – although unlike them, Chan had resisted him while Hyunjin would have done anything to be in Seungmin's good books early on.

The ranunculus mocked him. Was Seungmin really charmed by him now or had he been trying to placate a frenetic Hyunjin?

No, he couldn't think like that! He couldn't doubt the other's genuineness. Seungmin had always been upfront since the day they met. It had hurt him but at least he knew where he stood with him. Who would have thought then that the 'pratty royal' would not only befriend his saviour but also become something else while stopping a war and power-hungry generals?

He calmed down, because he had to move on. Like their relationship had been unexpected then this future may also hold something great.

Then he felt numb because that was not something he could predict. He had not future telling abilities and he wasn't sure if he could simply go through life, waiting for things to be okay. Or worse, being expected to make things okay. How does one even go about doing that? He healed people but he didn't necessarily fix things. Hyunjin knew how to heal maladies, illnesses and wounds. He knew a bit about mental maladies and anguish; enough to suggest remedies that may help. But both physical and mental maladies needed the person healing to actively participate.

Here he was alone, trying to patch up a nation.

It was too much and he shut down.

He wasn't shivering anymore. Or at least he didn't think so with the numbness taking over. Was he even breathing? Small puffs of breath from his nostrils seemed to suggest he was but he wasn't feeling his own breath tickle on his upper lip. He had some reprieve but he couldn't even enjoy it because happiness, pleasure, enjoyment: those were feelings and he wasn't feeling.