Just Knowing You

Chapter 26: Genevieve

I'm exhausted.

I got 8 hours of sleep and Saturday has left me utterly fatigued.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night when I kept overthinking about Otis and why he was texting me. I still haven't seen the texts. Or called him back.

I just can't.

If I were to unlock my phone, currently sitting in my lap, I would see at least 6 notifications from him that I've ignored; and if I see those notifications I'll open the app, I'll read them... and risk actually texting back.

I can't do that this time though.

I will not be a pushover.

So, to occupy my mind I'm watching Disney+ while doing my homework I didn't finish yesterday.

And, I just can't figure this stupid stuff out!

My classes this year are kind of kicking my butt right now, and I don't know why. Normally I have an easy time with school, I get nothing less than an A-, all my assignments were turned in on time, and I always had the mind space for studying. Now, for some ungodly reason, I cannot do that.

My grades have been slowly but surely slipping, even from just these couple weeks, and I don't seem to have the mind for much.

I suck.

I'm really not capable of doing these tiny things that so many other people have gotten through?

Just deal with it.

Why can't I just be normal and do my work?

Stop being stupid.

I am stupid.

No. Don't make this a thing, just be happy. Let's get this stuff done and I can have a break. I bite back tears nipping at the back of my eyes while I pick at the hang nail on my finger.

My parents aren't home right now, they said they'd be home at 7 which is kind of ideal for me because hanging around with my parents watching what I'm doing 24/7 around the house is not ideal when I'm on the verge of having a mental breakdown.

My parents have always been pretty critical over my siblings and I, which really affected all of our childhoods, especially when it felt like they were pitting us against each other. Now though, it feels like they put extra pressure on me, like I'm their last chance or something. Sure, my brother and sister came out great, but they aren't flashy like my mom and dad want them to be.

I don't know why it matters whether or not they brag about their careers, but I guess it's because my parents don't have friends they have frenemies that won't be afraid to rip each other apart when they see even the slightest fracture in each other's 'perfect families'.

I guess I should be thankful for my parents though. They push me too hard sometimes, but I get it. I need to get good grades so I can go to a good college and get a good job to make money to support myself and a family in the future.

So, that's why the tears forming on my waterline are worth it. Because I need to be able to hold my own on this world and I can't do that if I can't do this.

I just wish I were as smart as Naomi, I would get this done super fast.

Or as pretty as Vic, maybe more people might like me.

Maybe as unbothered as Scar, she's the vision of the type of confidence I need.

But I'm me. Boring, unremarkable, and just a bad person that is unkind and selfish.