Just Knowing You

Chapter 27: Otis

She looks so small sitting in my arms, silently crying. Her body shakes with each ragged inhalation and my heart breaks every time it happens.

Did I do this to her?

I didn't mean to. I was just protecting myself. I really hurt her didn't I? Why did I fuck this up? I need her to stop crying.

My hand keeps her head pinned to my chest as I keep my fingers threaded through her hair.

"I'm sorry Genevieve. I'm so, so sorry."

She tries to escape my grip and looks up at my face. Her pleading eyes making my heart break as she says something incomprehensible, "I-I'm such a b-bad person Otis. I'm s-selfish and unkind, and ugly, and I can't breathe."

"You. Are not selfish. You are not unkind or ugly. How can I help? How can I help you breathe Speedy? What's going on?"

"I-I don't- you can't help. I have to just-just be quiet for a sec-second."

I watch as G sits down on the edge of her bed putting her head down between her legs and her hands on the back of her head as her body shudders with the effort of trying to breathe.

I just want to help her. I want to take all this away. I want to take back all the things I said to her.

I hear a deep gasp for air as she finally gets the air she'd been needing and I watch as she stays seated like that for over a minute breathing steadily and muttering a string of numbers I can't hear.

"Speedy?"

"God, Otis, I can't. I really-I just can't take wha-whatever you hav-have to say. You've said enough."

"Speedy I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this I didn't mean any of the things I said to you. You have to believe me—"

"Otis. I'm tired. I just had a panic attack, and my day has been not so great, so if you don't mind just not talking for a s-second."

My mouth snaps shut and I look down at my hands.

"What you said really hurt me. I've been hurting, Otis. I want you to und-understand that I have a complicated mind. I spiral when people s-say things like that, I put bad things in my head. I can't be around you if you're gonna say things like that to me."

Hiccuping every once in a while as she looks out the window as she crossed her arms.

"I'm not gonna be a pu-pushover. Not this t-time. Im gonna do what I think is right... and what I think is right for me right now is to not s-see you, or talk to you again."

"Can I talk now?" She nods her head and I inhale deeply, "I've been kicking myself, every single damn day, for letting you go, and for letting my anger get in the way. I don't believe a single word I said that day, and I'm so, so sorry for hurting you. I know that doesn't make up for it. But it's a step."

I get on my knees in front of G and look up at her widened eyes, "Genevieve Beck, from here on out, I shall be your friend. I won't hurt you ever again. If I ever hurt you again you have my full permission to let Scarlett beat me to a pulp. If you want, punch me in the face. Do it right now. I won't stop you, because I deserve it."

She looks at me, shell-shocked, as I look at her expectantly leaning my head a little to the left for full access when she punches me.

"W-what? No, I'm not gonna punch you. Why would I? You deserve it and a hundred more, but me punching you won't make it better it won't erase it all—"

"No, I know it won't. I need you to do it because I hate myself. I truly hate myself—so much—for hurting you." G opens her mouth to say something, maybe protest to my proclamations, but I beat her to it, "so, punch me, I slap me, yell at me, I don't care. I just want my friend back. I'm so sorry for pushing you away. I'm so sorry for hurting you. You're the most beautiful, kind-hearted, sweet, human being I've ever met, and if you think for one second you're not, or that I'm not kicking myself for saying those nasty things to, you're wrong."