Office Hours |h.s|

forty

Maude

"You sure you're okay, Maude?"

Cassidy stands in my doorframe, watching me get ready to go out. Since last night I've been on a pretty bad spiral, barely able to sleep without seeing Harry and Juliet kissing. Even if I only saw a split second of it, my brain has spun it into full blown office sex between him and Juliet. Who knows if they've even gotten to that point considering I didn't stay to watch the show.

I look at her through the mirror as I pause from applying some heavy eyeliner, a staple for any girl going through it. We're going out drinking with friends, but I've already started and am three shots in. Harry just keeps texting like nothing happened, asking to see me but I just can't deal with that right now. I feel dirty and used and just want to go out with my friends, get hammered, and forget about him and Juliet the best that I can.

"Yeah, perfect. I'm almost ready, just let me finish up." I offer her a tight smile, but she knows me better than that and walks in fully.

Going back to doing my makeup, I try to block her out. "It's just– you seem upset. Did something happen with that stormtrooper guy? You seemed really excited to go hang out with him and clearly you got dinner for the two of you. I liked seeing you happy, but you know you could always talk to me, M."

"Well, things didn't work out and I don't want to talk about it. I want to get drunk and party and not have to think about him." I snap, gripping onto my eyeliner pencil hard. Another flash of the two of them kissing plays in my mind, making this feeling even worse.

I'm not drunk enough where I'll spill on who I've been dating the last few weeks, but maybe by the end of the night she'll get it out of me if she tries hard enough. I know once I'm a few more drinks in she'll start asking questions, and she means well, but it's just hard for me to have to face what happened. He cheated on me with Juliet, and I just don't know if I can forgive that, no matter how much I love him.

A part of me is considering telling her the entire truth. That I've been seeing Harry and we were dating secretly and that I saw him cheat on me last night with the one girl in the world I begged him not to cheat with. It's the angry side of me, the side that wants to humiliate him for humiliating me. It's my Sterling side for sure, and if my dad and brother were still in town, maybe I'd lean more into it and want that revenge.

But then there's my other half. The side that is just so desperate for love and affection from Harry that I'd blindly take him back, even if he were to still see Juliet. It's wrong of me to want him like that, but I'll always be his secret so what's the difference. If I feel like I'm loved by him, maybe that would be enough.

I just always thought he was different from all the men I've grown up around. All I've learned is that men cheat on their girlfriends or wives with someone younger, and they'll string these girls along with pretty words and empty promises until they're done with them. From a young age, I knew that I would never be the only woman my husband would want, but being with Harry, I thought he would be different. He was cheated on by his girlfriend for fuck's sake, and yet he still did this. It feels like the ultimate betrayal.

"Maude, I'm worried about you. This isn't you. I don't think you have ever gotten this way before." Cass points out, her voice low in an attempt to calm me down. And she's right, usually I don't snap at her but it's either be snappy and mean or cry my eyes out. I'm tired of crying.

With a shaky breath I set my eyeliner pencil down, willing away tears and the urge to spill everything right now in this room. "Cass... I'm sorry, I just... I can't..." I whisper, biting my lip as the image replays in my head for the millionth time. If I didn't already do my makeup, I would probably lose it pretty quickly.