Office Hours |h.s|

forty three

Maude

Loud music. Blurry vision. Bodies pressed against me. The telltale signs of a successful party.

Cassidy has been trying to get me to slow down and stop drinking so much at once, but her efforts have proven to be unsuccessful since guys are willing to buy me whatever drinks I want if I let them flirt with me. And with my body basically on display with this outfit I've picked out, guys are fighting to be the one to buy me a drink. I know they're just trying to get an easy lay since that's my reputation, and honestly I might just let someone take me home. That is, if Cass doesn't drag me home first.

Everyone was reluctant to let me go out tonight since I haven't been myself. They've all tried getting it out of me, but my lips are sealed. I think that's what is making this all feel a million times worse. I can't tell anyone what happened, I can't get advice or have a shoulder to cry on. I have to do this myself, but I'm not sure I really can.

Stumbling toward the bar, I sit down on one of the stools as the guy I was dancing with orders us some more drinks. He wastes no time leaning down to kiss my neck, and I don't stop him. If anything I encourage him to, tilting my chin back to give him more room and lacing my fingers through his hair. It feels foreign and wrong, but at this point I'm too drunk to care about it. I just want to get rid of this feeling I have of loneliness.

I look over his shoulder, letting my eyes scan the crowd in hopes that a pair of familiar green eyes will catch mine. Not because I want him to feel jealous, though that wouldn't be too bad if I think about it, but because I want him to save me. I want him to tell me he told Juliet he doesn't have feelings for her and that he just wants me. But that's not realistic anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if he really cared about me. It felt like he did when we were together, especially when we were up in Maine, but the doubts always came when we were back in society. When I had to sit quietly and stare at my desk that time he came into Niall's class to give him some paperwork in the middle of a class. When I was with my friends, and he would pass by us in the hallway. Those moments always felt wrong. They felt detached.

Maybe that's why he was reluctant to tell Juliet no and that he didn't have those feelings for her. In a way, I get it. Maybe he did have those feelings for her, but he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with her so he was wasting time with me. Maybe I was his dating test run before he went after her. That way he could work on his relationship skills without her knowing and potentially going to date someone else.

Someone clearing their throat makes the guy stop his attack on my neck and we both turn to look at who's there. Cassidy. My eyes roll slightly as I turn to the bar, picking up my new drink to take a sip. "Get lost." She tells the guy and he doesn't even try to argue with her as he gets up and leaves.

My eyes roll and land on her as I put my cup down. "What?"

"I told you that you're cut off. And you're not having sex with anyone, you're way too drunk to handle that. I don't know what's going on with you, but something happened and you're gonna have to tell me what it was because you're putting yourself at risk now."

I shake my head, taking another long sip of my drink. "You aren't my dad, fuck off." My words are slurring for sure, and I know I'll regret all this in the morning, I always do, but for now I just want to drink and do whatever I feel like doing.

Her eyes roll now and she grabs the cup out of my hand, not caring as I protest and whine about it. "We're going home, come on get up."

"I'm not going anywhere. If you wanna be a little bitch and leave early, be my guest. But I'm staying here, so fuck off." I get up out of my seat and grab the cup back from her, shoulder checking her as I walk off to disappear into the crowd. She calls after me as she attempts to follow me, but I ignore her, taking another sip from my drink.