Office Hours |h.s|

ninety three

Maude

Putting on my makeup, it's hard to recognize the girl sitting in front of the mirror. She's grown, matured, and changed more than she expected to. She fell in love, she got engaged, she was pregnant, and had an abortion. Her mistakes helped her grow and shaped her into the person staring back.

She's me. Maude Cecilia Sterling. And given everything she's been through, I'm proud of the person she's become.

It's not a bad thing that I don't recognize myself, at least I don't think it is. I just have to get to know the new Maude. I have to understand the changes that come with the experiences I've had. I have to find a way to be okay with the decisions I've made this last semester.

For right now, I don't think I regret much. Maybe a few little things here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, I stand by my decisions. I don't regret my abortion, I don't regret saying yes to Harry when he proposed, and I don't even regret our breakup. There may come a day where I'll regret something, but for right now, I feel good. Well, as good as I can feel.

Staring at my reflection, I try to find features I recognize. My hair is different, which is still throwing me off slightly, but other than that, everything else should be the same. The same brown eyes, the same pouty lips, the same Sterling nose, even the same makeup routine. And yet nothing feels familiar.

The door to my room opens, pulling me out of this trance I've fallen into. Cass peeks her head in, offering a warm smile. She's truly been my rock, the one familiar thing I know I can fall back to.

"Leaving soon?" She steps in more, closing the door behind her before she perches herself on the side of my bed.

Turning to face her, I nod. "Yeah, dad texted me that the driver should be here soon. They're already on their way to the restaurant."

Dad put his foot down after the meeting with the dean and demanded a family meeting to discuss everything that came from it. I know I'm about to get reamed for being in a relationship with Harry, but that was gonna happen whether we were broken up or not. In a way, I'm glad we're done because maybe dad will go easier on me.

Cass nods, "Just let me know if you're coming home or not. You know I trust you and all, I just wanna know if I should wait up or not."

Looking down at my lap, I start to pick at the skin around my nails. After the meeting, I came home for a little bit, but Cass and Noah were out. They still weren't home by the time I went to Harry's and I never made an effort to tell her where I was. We didn't talk when I got home this morning, mainly because she's clearly avoiding me to give me space to process what happened at the meeting. Little does she know that the meeting is kind of not on my mind right now.

For a second, I go through my options in my head. Just avoid going into that conversation right now, or come clean about where I was last night. But the answer is clear.

"Cass..." I take a deep breath before finally looking back up at her. Her brows furrow, but she waits quietly for what I have to say. "I saw him last night."

She still looks confused, "What are you..."

"I don't know why, but I went to his place. We got to talking about the meeting and one thing lead to another-"

"Maude... you slept with him?" She asks, a hint of disappointment in her voice but she mainly just sounds concerned. Like I'm falling back into the same old patterns with this guy that I shouldn't want to love. She takes my silence as a confirmation.

"I didn't go there to sleep with him... It just happened, and I know everyone says that but it's the truth. After the meeting I just felt like I needed to check in for whatever reason, so I went to his place. But we kissed and that led to more, but it's over. We got our closure and now we can just move on." I spare her the details, mainly because I'm not too sure I could relive that right before a family dinner. I'd rather cry in the privacy of my own room later tonight.