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i saw mommy kissing santa claus

Maude

Christmas in Maine has been one of my favorite family traditions that Harry and I began.

We started coming out here when August was two. His first Christmas was spent at home in Boston, surrounded by family who were all super excited to spend time with him. His second Christmas was spent out in England where Harry grew up. And though it was memorable and one of our favorite trips to date, Harry and I agreed we wanted to have our own little family tradition for the holiday.

It wasn't intentional the first time we came up to Maine. I was newly pregnant with Noa, something we weren't ready to share with family yet as we had just found out maybe three weeks prior. Everyone in my family was sick and Harry's family was overseas, so we just decided to go up to Maine for the winter break to figure out how a second baby was going to fit into our lives. We were really just trying to take a step back to gather our thoughts and emotions.

That Christmas was the most magical, straight out of a Christmas movie. We decorated our little home to be Christmassy and played out in the snow. Gus got a kick out of being on a beach with snow on the sand. It was quiet and cozy and the perfect way to celebrate.

Noa's first Christmas was spent in that house. My parents and Spencer visited us in Boston to celebrate two weeks before since my dad would do anything to avoid facing the reality that I married Harry and have kids with him. Harry doesn't take much offense though, since he'd rather avoid my dad too. Aside from Spencer, who the kids see more often, and Lance, who I would never introduce to my children, my parents have a very subtle relationship with them. They're very hands off and just come to see them for holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions. Mom probably would like to see them more, but she's still busy being a doctor most days.

Anne on the other hand, the only reason that woman wouldn't come up with an excuse to come see the kids would be death. Harry always jokes with her that the kids see her more than he has since he moved to Boston. She came to Maine with us for Noa's first Christmas, along with her boyfriend and Gemma and her family. It was a tight fit in the house that year since it's not too big to begin with, but it made it feel more special. Once August was asleep, the boys all went out to make it seem like Santa really came.

But besides Rowan's first Christmas two years ago, we spend Christmas in Maine just as our little family. We wear matching holiday pajamas, drink hot cocoa and watch Christmas movies, play games, sing songs, have a special dinner; all the traditional family Christmas activities. Gus and Noa love tracking where Santa is in the world and are always eager to get into bed as soon as he gets close by, which leaves Harry and I plenty of time to set up for Christmas morning.

Having my own family, especially with Harry, has been so healing. Growing up, our Christmases were spent at formal holiday parties. I'd be in some tights and an uncomfortable dress surrounded by a family of boys that just picked on me the entire time. We didn't make Christmas cookies and god forbid we ever cuddled by a fireplace together. Lance spoiled Santa for me the second he found out, and my parents told me to grow up when I cried to them about it at four years old. I don't want my kids hating Christmas or just seeing it as a day they get presents.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't get jealous when Harry tells the kids about his Christmases growing up. A lot of our traditions stem from his traditions and things he wanted to pass down to them. Sometimes I just feel angry at my parents that I have nothing to pass down to my own kids, like it means I'm this gigantic failure of a mom. All I have is this desperate need to preserve the magic and not fuck them up the way that I was.

There is one thing I've contributed from my childhood though. Every Christmas season we make time to see a performance of The Nutcracker. It's a little different from my experience, since I used to be the one on stage performing it, but the kids have started to really look forward to it. Especially Noa now that she's in dance classes.