Office Hours |h.s|

eighty nine

Maude

I wish I had cut my hair sooner. Never in my life have I felt so pretty and sexy. I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror and every time the biggest smile takes over my face when I see how short it is now.

Tonight is the last party of the semester, one big hurrah to celebrate getting through finals. One semester done, what feels like a million more left to go. I'm honestly excited to get back into the party scene, even if it's right at the ass end of the semester. Next semester will be better for sure.

Getting over Harry won't be easy. There are pieces of him everywhere on campus, places that hold such sweet little memories. I hate it but am fond of it all at the same time. It's like this strange security blanket. One that you've outgrown and know you need to hide it away in a box in the attic, but you're too scared to spend one night without it, as if it would be sad you left it alone. That's what it feels like trying to get over Harry.

But in some strange way, it feels healthy. Like this is how you're supposed to deal with a breakup. I can put him and what we had to the side for most of the day, and when I do look back on our relationship, it's not so painful. Usually, I just miss him like I'm sure anyone would, but I don't regret the breakup in the slightest. Yes, there are things he said that creep into my mind on the bad nights, but for the most part, I try to just remember the good parts of him.

Even though that relationship was a little too grown up for me, given the age difference and us being at different stages in our lives, I'm thankful for it. Being with Harry made me grow up. I may not be ready for marriage and kids, but I definitely feel like there's been this shift in maturity. Emotionally, I feel like I've grown a lot in these past two months, and it really has everything to do with how Harry loved me.

He never put me down, not until the breakup. He was always considerate of how I handled my feelings when we would have a fight, and sure he would have his moments where he would lose his filter a little bit, but he's only human. Our relationship was never one that we could be fully comfortable in. We always had to live in fear that we would be caught and that's never good for a relationship. He did the best he could, and I'm so fucking grateful for him.

At the same time, I don't want to be with him. Not right now, at least. If in the future we cross paths and we both still feel like there were things left unsaid, maybe then we can try again if we're ready for that. For right now though, I just think we need to grow more, but we have to do that separately.

With one last look in the mirror to build up some more confidence, I decide that I'm ready to forget my problems for the night and have fun. It's a stark contrast to how just around a week ago, I was playing board games and having a quiet, mature night in with Harry and his best friend. It's hard to think about that night since it feels like that's when everything started to go downhill. But then again, was there ever a time our relationship was fine and perfect?

Besides in Maine, we always seemed to have some sort of issue. A lot of it definitely stemmed from the intense level of secrecy our relationship had. I don't think we ever felt secure in our relationship, not enough to give us some breathing room at least. It made us both feel like it could be ripped apart and our lives could be ruined in seconds.

Now here we are, ripped apart living in fear that we'll be exposed any second.

At the same time though, I think we're past all that. Gia isn't going to go to anyone, Harry and I talked, it finally feels over.

Over.

I sigh, grabbing my bag from my bed and walking out of my room. A small smile grows when I see Noah and Cass waiting for me, sitting on the couch together. They don't notice me at first, too wrapped up in their own little conversation. They smile and look deep into each other's eyes, clearly still just as in love as they were in the beginning.