Down the line

38 - Spoon

I'm wake up in the most awkward position. My arm over Ali, I didn't intend for this to happen. I quickly back up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I blurt out. I thought we were just friends. It's not my fault I subconsciously began to spoon her during the night. These things just happen.

She was startled by my panic.

"Holy shit Lewis, what's the problem?" She questions awaking her hazy slumber. I'd never seen her this early in the morning except for that one time.

I was thinking a lot one night, I snuck out of my bed next to Kelly and I paid a visit to Ali. Nothing bad, I wasn't... Kelly. But we sat and spoke all night about our problems. On the back porch of her house.

"I was...I was a little close for your comfort." I admit realising the awkwardness in my tone.

"It's okay Lewis, I'm not taking it to heart" she turns and smiles at me before resting her hand on my warm arm. Was she awake the entire time I had my arm over her?

Something about her touch makes me feel secure. I felt safe and happy here.

"Okay, I just didn't want to disappoint you." I admit, even my eyes still found it a difficult task to open.

"Why would you dissapoint me?" She questions. I didn't expect her to counter back with that.

"I don't know. I just don't want you getting ideas and me fucking it up cause you know it would happen. " I get straight to the point and tell her.

I didn't want her to fall for me, I knew it would result in something bad happening. I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep the relationship going because I always fuck things up. But I've seen how she looks at me, I knew there was something there as evidence to prove she didn't just want to be my friend and at times even I thought about it. I didn't mean to think about it, just one of them things that was out of my control.

"What makes you think I like you?" Her eyebrows sink and she stares at me. Her head on the pillow beside mine. Her hand tucked underneath.

"Cause if you didn't, you wouldn't accept this." I announce, she looked at me in confusion. I can't even begin to process how I managed to say that. Maybe it was my hunger?

"What?"

That's when I did something I didn't think I would have the confidence to do. I cupped the side of her face with my left hand and leant towards her. I close my eyes and hope for the best.

I place my lips on top of hers.

The direct contact with her made me shiver. Was I willing to ruin this friendship for something more? But what if it made our friendship better?

I couldn't say I loved her right now. I didn't know how I felt. Maybe this was just a release from grief? Maybe not? She had always been there for me, I loved watching her smile as we exchanged funny stories or frowns as we spoke about depressing issues.

She follows the movement of my lips. This just had to confirm what she thought about me. She did like me.

In reality we were just a pair of teenagers trapped in adults bodies.

I move closer towards her as I continue to move on her lips. A rhythm I couldn't deny. Something I now didn't want to lose, not in this moment anyway.

But the more I thought about it, the more it worried me. I thought about the way mom would be weeping right now. How I was somehow getting pleasure yet both of my uncles had been slaughtered. A wave of guilt covered me.

I pluck my lips from Ali and stare into her eyes. She gives me a sympathetic smile as I realise my face is a blank page. No emotion.

"I'm...sorry" I sigh, rolling onto my back and making eye contact with the ceiling.

"It was my fault. It won't happen again." Ali admits, I could hear her take in a deep in-breath. As if she wanted to cry.

"But what if we want it to happen again? I mean...not now. But soon."

I could see her in the corner of my eye looking blankly at the ceiling. Ali didn't say anything for a few seconds so I turned my head. Suddenly I saw a small tear fall down the side of her face and her bottom lip judder.

"Did I say something? Oh shit, I told you I'd be bad at this. I ju-" I keep blabbering on as I lean on my elbow so I could see her face.

"Lew, stop blaming yourself. It's nothing to do with you, it's me being stupid." She admits whilst wiping one of her tears away. I had the urge to wipe away the other, so I did. The countless times I'd seen her cry, I've always wanted to wipe them away.

"We tell each other everything, come on. Speak to me." I urge, trying to get her to tell me her problems. I nudge her arm gently.

"I thought...I thought you were going to die." She stutters. Beginning to cry again. I hold out my arms as I lean across the bed. She sits up and cries into my shoulder.

I didn't know what to say. Maybe even I thought I would die during the horrific events. She sobbed just as mom had done the night before. I hoped this wasn't a regular occurrence.

"I have too much to leave behind." I whisper to her as I grip the back of her neck and gently guide her towards me. She continued to sob as we touch foreheads. I felt her warm breath against my lips once again. I craved more, but I didn't want to hurt the girl I'd held so close for so long.

Our noses touched and I was close to kissing her once more. So close, dipping and hovering. Ready to create the connection, but it never came about. I sunk my head low.

"I feel guilty. So guilty." I sigh, my head hanging low. I couldn't do anything anymore. Not with mom as she is and the massacre of the war.

She rubs my shoulders and lifts my head up with her slender finger poking my chin. I look into her eyes once again.

"Let's forget about this for now." She suggests with a sympathetic smile perched across her face.

Ali takes her hands away from me.

"Can I...use the shower?" I question pointing towards the en suite situated by the side of her room.

She just chuckles lightly and nods before looking downwards and playing with the fraying fabric on her blankets.

"I couldn't say no if I tried."

*********

I fulfilled your shipping needs.