Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

chapter 33 New Therapist, top surgery and other randomness

So my therapist I had ended up retiring. When she told me I was getting someone new I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I have plenty of sessions with her to realize that's she is one of the best I have ever had. She doesn't talk down to me. She doesn't push me when I shut down. We go slow and talk about things. She even said to me that most likely I have PTSD with everything I been through. Like what? No one has ever said that to me. I mean I never thought I did but now looking back I think it's possible.

Anyways I decided to bring up top surgery with Dr. Alligood who sent my information along to the designated place. Well she informed me that they want a letter from a license psychiatrist to make sure that I'm pretty much aware of what this entitles. So I decided to bring it up with my therapist.

When I did she of course said she was a licensed therapist and not a psychiatrist. Which I figured that out but now it's like what do I do. She said she be willing to help me in anyway. I am fine with that but my thing is am I going to have to see someone new, and go through everything again? Like I'm ready to have too surgery. No one gets it besides those that have dealt with it. Chest binders just aren't cutting it when your top heavy. Like the last time I wore an actual bra it was a DD. Like you can't tell that by looking at me now, considering I wear a sports bra when I'm not wearing my binder. Sometimes I wear both just to make me appear flatter and not have my binder ride up. Safe? Probably not, but it's frustrating and before anyone asks I can breathe. I just want top surgery like that it. I know it's going to take time but right now I got to work on getting the letter from the license psychiatrist.

I have two half binders and one full. I can't remember quite where my full one is at but it's wanting to be flat. I noticed when I wear my binder that I get called sir more and the euphoria for that it is fucking real. Like it's so peaceful when someone says "sir", "big guy", "brother", etc. Like they don't know how happy it makes me.

I find my voice goes up and down and crackles a bit. Like it's funny but at the same time I just wanna hear the man behind it and not a boy going through puberty. It does it off and on.

Though I did have a customer asked me if my name was Tobias. I said yes. She's like it's not short for anything. I said no. She was like I really like it. I don't know if she even realizes how happy it made me. It's customers like here that I keep coming back to do my job especially when it feels like I want to give up.

This road I have a head of me is going to be long. Like my next step is going to be trying to change my name before top surgery. Which "Reece" said she would go with me to get the papers. Like that's what true friends are for. To be there with you through it all. If it wasn't for my friends I seriously don't think I would be here. Some have helped me more than others. But it's the love they give me that keeps me going.

So I guess once I get some more stuff taking care of I'll update this. I'm excited to see where my journey is going to take me and what the end results will be.