Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 6 "Kathleen"

Kathleen is my therapist that I have been seeing for roughly about a year and a half or longer. I knew when I started there that I should keep being transgender from her. It was just difficult. I had a lot going on in my life. From my marriage how we were trying to work it out and then when she cheated on me what I wanted to do. Dealing with the loss of the woman I loved "Natalie" and the loss of my Grandmother. My childhood and how it was growing up. I was able to tell her all those things but I couldn't tell her about being transgender. Even though in the office she works it's posted around the office about being an ally and it being a safe place. That right there should've told me that I could tell her without it being a problem. Just like with telling everyone I didn't know how to go about it.

So I was sitting in her office and I had the nervous jitters. I couldn't stay put. I kept moving around because I was trying to find a way to start the conversation. She started to asking how I was doing. I said that my mood has been up and down.  Again I can't remember how the conversation started but she asked if I planned on telling her what it was I was keeping from her. I said yes that I came today to tell her. I started telling her about "Marie" and how she pretty much saved my life. She was like why do you say that.  I said to her that "Marie" helped me to accept myself. She asked me how so. That's when I felt the lump in my throat and I said to her "she helped me come to terms with being transgender."

She didn't bat an eye. She listened. I told her how I felt that it was where some of my anger and depression was coming from because I wasn't being true to who I am. She even told me she didn't know much about it but she will help me on my journey to be who I am. She said she was going to talk to another therapist that worked in the office that dealt with transgender people to see if she can suggest anything on how to help me. 

Kathleen also mentioned a book called This is How it is by Laurie Frankel. She explained a little bit about it and how it was a good book. I said to her that I haven't told my family. Her response was great. She said she felt that I didn't need to tell them right away. That it's all still new to me as well. She was like you don't even have to tell them until your ready. She was like you can wait until you start taking hormones and that's when changes happen. She was like your voice will get deeper and that can be a conversation opener. They could be like "Sheila" why is your voice so deep what's going on? I felt relieved that I finally told her I was transgender. Now it's just where we go from here. 

I know it's going to be a long road ahead of me and the challenges I may face along the way. I am glad to have such a great support system so far. Now I need to work on the courage to tell my family.