Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

chapter 36 top surgery letter

I meant with the psychologist. This place and I'm only joking gave off Motel Bates vibes. Like I walked in and was told there be someone there to greet me. Off to the left there was a seating area. So I just sat down and was messaging people saying the vibe it gave off. Like there was an odd noise that was probably an ac or something. I'm literally sitting there like do I go find someone or what. Thankfully someone else came in and sat down. So at this point it's like 250pm. No biggie. Then another patient comes in and sits down across from me. After a few minutes some guy came down from upstairs and was like "we're in a meeting, we will be right with you. Didn't want you guys to think we weren't here."

Okay so that made me feel a bit better. So I waited and of course are you ready for this kicker. Once they came down he asked who I was there to see and I was drawing a blank on her name because I been up since 430am. So I told him mine and he's like oh your here for Jamie. I was like yes that's it. Well Jamie came out and she's like I'm pretty sure your appointment is not until 4pm. As I'm sitting there I'm like are you serious?! Like I rushed from work to make sure I got here on time. So I ended up leaving to come back at 4pm.

When I came back she was ready for me, I don't know if she wants me to use her real name or not so we'll call her Ms. J. Now she wasn't really what I expected. Especially when I had bad experiences before. She was really quite nice and her office was super supportive with pins, snow globe that was rainbow heart (or at least I believed that's what it was) and just her mannerisms. I was nervous cause meeting someone new that holds in their hands the next step for you transition is nerve racking.

Anyways she talked about the letter and what it was going to consist of. She explained everything she could and even helped me out with a legal service that could help my name change process. She asked if I wanted to change my name and of course I said yes but technically I'm still legally married. I didn't know if  that have any affect. She asked if I had any questions or concerns. I was like my only concern is this being my first major surgery. She's like I haven't experienced it from what I have heard it's really not that bad.

She asked about my support people and I gave a list. She asked about family and is it bad that I wasn't sure how to answer it! Like my mom and I aren't talking. My dad is somewhat supportive. My sister I don't really know how she is cause she let's it skip sometimes. Then it hit me, my friends are more like family then my own family and it shouldn't be that way.

I think my favorite thing was when we got to talking about this book. She laughed and was like I hope I make it in it. I said for sure you will be. For the book is dedicated to those that have helped through my transition as well as the transphobic people who have made it hard. Even with all the good there is still some bad. I can't sugar coat and tell lies for someone else maybe going through the same thing.

So to have this letter finally feels like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Like I left there with a smile. A smile that no one could erase. Ms. J thank you for giving me this letter on my way to be the man I'm meant to be. It means a lot to me and just words can't thank you enough for that!