Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 14 "Shameless"

You know what it's like to have the tension build until you want to explode? The constant nagging in the back of your mind that your keeping your true self from everyone? Your heart thumping wildly in your chest wanting to escape but yet you felt like you were being held back, not being true to the real you. 

I decided it was time to come out in a big way. A way that most people can see and hear my reactions. A way that was raw and moving. I am in a group on facebook that some of my friends are involved in. Some of them already knew, but it was time that I told everyone in the group my secret. I was scared shitless and was talking to "Marie" about it. Trying to come up with ways to come out. I agreed on doing a live so I posted in the group letting everyone know that I was going to go live to tell the secret I've been keeping. So we came up with me reading the first chapter to this book to everyone. I felt it was the best way to do it since the words would already be there and I wouldn't have to think of what I wanted to say.

My heart was thumping wildly in my chest as I got on live. I waited for people to join. Of course the ones that already knew were there to support me, which meant a lot to me. I was scared. I wasn't good with public speaking if that's what you want to call it. I tend to stuttering and I was so afraid that was going to happen. I was using my laptop so I had two windows open one for facebook and one to read from. I made sure that I couldn't see the comments as they were coming in. I started to read. I could feel my throat run dry. My heart was still thumping. When I got to the one part about where I mention the first person that ever asked me if I was transgender, I felt myself get choked up. 

I manage to get through the whole thing. I then went to look at the comments to see what people said. I saw that "Marie" told me not to be nervous that they all would be supportive of me. I had someone say "you can do it honey." The comments just kept going. Had someone say they were going cry but are so proud of me. I of course also got "don't cry." Then Amber telling me that I got this and she loves me as well. She also said she was proud of me too. It was nice to have such amazing people. Some of them knew me in person and some never even meant me. None the less they were amazing group of people to come out to.

I got a bunch of hearts. I think my favorite comment was from "Marie" she said "when you get a dick we need to see how many donuts you can stack on it." I couldn't help but laugh after reading that. Amber posted the link for the book so everyone could read it. 

Overall everyone said I did an amazing job. Even though I was nervous as hell. It was great to see that there was support there. Especially when growing up I had a gay man tell me, "Don't trust the gay community." How can I not trust these people? Like they accepted me for me and didn't throw anything negative. It meant a lot and I don't think that they realized just how much their love as well as support means to me. I'm glad I can share this journey with them. So thank you to all the members of Shameless for being there. I love you all.