Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 9 "Donna"

This chapter is dedicated to Donna who is no longer with us. Donna meant more to me then anyone will ever know. I love her. She was my best friend and the first person to ever ask me if I was transgender. I briefly mentioned her in the first chapter. I was in my early 20's and we were sitting in her living room. If I recall I was working on one of my books as she was watching something on t.v. 

"Are you transgender?" She asked innocently.

Without looking up I answered. "What makes you say that?"

"You look and dress like a guy. You act like a guy all the time." She said.

I didn't know what to say. I sat there staring at my screen baffled on how to answer her. I wasn't for sure what made her ask that. "I don't know." I said. That was the truth I didn't know for sure. Looking back the signs were all there. I was transgender just didn't know what to call it. I wish she was around now so I could tell her that I am and she was right. 

I'm crying as I write this because I never got the chance to say good bye to her. To this day that still kills me. I can't pick up the phone and call her like I want to. I want to be tell her everything like I did when she was alive. 

She never questioned me after that. She just let it go and we continued to be "us". Honestly I think she was the first person that I actually loved. We had such a connection. A deep strong connection that even now I haven't had with another person. We were so close. The age difference didn't matter to either one of us. She tried so hard to get me to come out of my shell. 

She had me experienced things I have never done with anyone else. I won't go into detail on that though considering gosh only knows who is going to end up reading this. I know people are going to be shocked to even read that I loved her. They will never know what it was like between us. How she would make me smile. How she made me laugh and most importantly how she made me feel love.  When I was with her I forgot all my hurt. Granted I didn't make things easy on her sometimes because I was angry a lot. Yet she stood by me and tried to help me get through it. She saw the worse in me. 

So Donna I know you are watching over me and I just want to say you're right. I am transgender and it sucks it took me this long to realize it. It's hard because your not her to watch me as I transition. I just want you to know that I love you and I always will.