Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 10 "Jenn"

This chapter is dedicated to Jenn. Jenn is my ex wife. When we first got together I felt things were looking up for me especially after Donna. I thought she was the one that I was going to spend the rest of my life with which was why I asked her to marry me. I didn't know that things were going to turn out the way that they did between us. Things changed. She changed. She wanted to know who I was with. If I talked about coworkers she thought I was screwing them which honestly I would probably only screw one of them but that's besides the point. We got into so many fights it was ridiculous.  

One night when I was at work she messaged me saying We need to talk. 

The dreaded agony that you feel when you have anxiety isn't a good thing. That whole night at work I kept stressing. What did she want to talk to me about? What did I do now? When it was time for me to get off and I got home to her she asked me if I was transgender. I was taken back because the only person I even talked to about it was my friend Derek. I didn't know what to say so I said the only thing I could think of "What are you talking about?"

Of course that set her off. "Are you serious?" She asked. "I saw your messages with Derek. Are you transgender or not?"

"I'm questioning it." I said.

"Well if you decide to do it then I can't be with you. I'll love you but I won't be in love with you. I'm not attracted to men." Jenn said.

Oh those words "I'm not attracted to men." How I wish I could make her eat those words now. The reason our relationship ended. We were trying to work it out but when I found out she kissed the guy that was the dj at our wedding and went him xrated pictures. I questioned her and she had the nerve to lie to my face. Are you serious? Want to try it again? Are you cheating on me? I repeated myself. Again she said no. So I showed her the pictures. You mean to tell me that's not you? Finally she admitted to it but then tried to blame me on me being the reason that she did it. 

Now that I'm no longer with her I know that I can go ahead and become that man that I'm suppose to be. It's going to be her lose when she sees how happy I am. I just didn't understand why she said to that she was "attracted to men" but cheated on me with one. I haven't been happier. I still have my ups and downs but that's because I'm not fully out to everyone. I'm working on it slowly. I wish when Jenn asked me that I told her that I was and maybe it would've saved me a bunch of heartache. 

I will always love her that's the problem. I know I couldn't go back to her not now. Not after what she did and the fact that she can't accept me for the man that I know I am.