Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 37 Top Surgery Consultation

So recently I had my consultation got top surgery. I knew it wasn't going to be what I wanted to hear, which has put a damper on my mental health  I'm trying to keep my head up. Anyways being in the bigger side I knew it was gonna be an issue. I'm not a twig. I'm more of a fucking tree trunk. Like the widest tree you can find, I'm sure that will be me. I was anxious and nervous at the same time. My friend Allison came with me because the other person that was suppose to come had other things going on. I didn't want to go alone because of what the outcome would be. 

It was almost over 2 hours away. The doctor was Emily Peterson. She was nice but you know when some says one thing it comes off wrong and kinda hurts. I know my weight is an issue and always have been. I won't say how much I weigh because frankly that's none of anyone's business. The nurse gave me a gown thing to out on. "Waist up nothing on." So that's what I did. As I'm waiting for the doctor to come I'm busting on how tight this damn gown is on my arms. I seriously thought if I flexed that I was gown rip out of it, like the incredible hulk ripping off his shirt. So as I'm waiting uncomfortable for the damn gown somewhat closed in the front. It was a sight to see to say the least. 

Soon Dr. Peterson came in. Introduced herself and asked who was with me. Then proceeding to measure. Doesn't say much as she's measuring the front but as she went to measure the side she says something along the lines of "oh boy". Which I knew wasn't good. Like it kinda hurt but I knew she didn't really mean anything by it. She then went over and everything. 

"We prefer to do the surgery on people who weigh a certain amount. Only because of the results being better." Okay not a problem. She didn't tell me how much I needed to weigh just I needed to lose more weight. She did say about I think it was the fat index and what mine was then what it needed to be in order to get the surgery. So it was a bit frustrating. I waited a long time to start transitioning and now I feel like I'm being held back in a way. I know that I can lose the weight but sometime the motivation isn't there especially when my mental health is down in the dumps. It takes a lot out of me that I don't even know what to do half the time. 

As I was driving home I seriously thought of driving my car off the road. I didn't though, considering my friend was with me. If she wasn't, I think I might have. I go back in December to see about the weight if I lost any. I'm losing it but slowly. Thing is I haven't been working out much. Just been watching how much I eat and not eat after a certain time. I do need to drink a lot more water then what I am but I don't. I did lose at least five more pounds. I just wish it would go faster. I don't see where I'm losing it at though. 

As she put it it's the side boob fat that I need to get rid of. I started to do some weight lifting but not a lot and not everyday.  I just wish there was like a magic pull I could take that will lose the weight. I'm so ready to lose my boobs. Like I hate them. I want to cry and I want to punch something. I just hold it in. I might end up snapping. I have a great support system though. Allison was telling me to build muscle and I'll lose it. Lisa offered to go work out with me if she got out of work at a decent time. Beth told me not to starve myself cause she saw I didn't eat much for my lunch one day. I just hope that come December she will tell me that I'm either close or that I lost enough. I'm hoping she will tell me I lost enough weight to be able to get it done. I'm so ready for this, you have no fucking idea unless of course you been in my shoes.