Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 2 "Marie"

One night after work I was really depressed. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to about what it was that I was feeling. I honestly didn't think anyone would understand. I also felt that I was on the verge of taking my own life. An unexpected source actually helped me through it. I don't think she knows exactly what it is that she has done. I don't know if she's comfortable with me using her name so I'm going to call her "Marie".

A week or so ago "Marie" and I got into it over something stupid that should've never happened. I didn't think she was going to talk to me again after that. I apologized for the way I acted and prayed that she would come around. If she didn't I couldn't blame her. I was a totally dick about it. Now looking back I know without a doubt that she was protecting me so I wouldn't get hurt. I guess I wasn't use to having someone so protective of me. I felt like I never really had that. I mean yeah there's family but family don't tell you what you want to hear sometimes. "Marie" on the other hand, well she speaks her mind and that's one thing I love about her.

As I was sitting with tears in my eyes I came out to "Marie" on Snapchat. I didn't know how she was going to react or anything. I was taking a step in the dark. I felt like I could trust her after we patched things up. I know I slightly mentioned something to her the night before. She knew how into being a drag king I wanted. She helped me come up with a name Shaun LongCox. I think that was what it was.

I can't remember exactly what she said but she was so supportive. It was exactly what I needed and at the right time. Since that day we became closer. She talks to me everyday and I feel her in on how certain people reacted and how they felt. I told her how scared I was to tell family. I asked her if she would be there when I tell my family. I mean I don't know how they are going to react but at least I knew that I would have someone there that would help me through.

I told her how I was thinking of telling my work wife Lisa about it. She was like I think that she will understand. So I went and told Lisa. I told "Marie" that I told Lisa and she asked how Lisa responded. I told her, which you will get to read in the next chapter. "Marie" responded with she took the words right out of my mouth. The thing that "Marie" said to me that stuck out the most was "You are so brave for doing this and I'm proud of you." 

I told "Marie" that I was wanting to writing a story about my transition. She knows that I like to write and has read one of my stories. She said to me that it's what friend are for to be there for each other no matter the situation. When I told her the name of my book she said she loved it. She has been so supportive with this whole thing and again I can't thank her enough.

I told her how I messaged my ex work wife "Jesse" (that's what we will say her name is) because she told me something personal about what she was going through so I figured that I had to do the same. "Marie" responded with "You are taking control of YOUR life and you're taking the steps to allow yourself to become the person you know you've always been. Whether you're Sheila or Shaun we are here for you." I told her that I know and that's what I love. I can't express enough. She saved my life. She helped me get through the dark storm that I faced until I finally realized that I needed to be who I am suppose to be.

As I came out to different people I told "Marie" how they reacted. She didn't tell me I should tell my family. She was letting me do it on my own time and she stood by me every step of the way. I know I said it again and again I'm thankful for her. I'm just glad she was there for me when I needed someone the most. 

When I got my first chest binder I was super excited to tell "Marie". She said she wanted to see it. For the first time I was comfortable with my body and was able to send her a picture of what it looked like. She said she was so happy for me. I told her how Lisa wanted to see it. Both have been super supportive of me and I can't thank them enough.

I know we had our differences and we worked through them to be where we are at today. I trusted her with everything that night I told her. She could've went off and told my family or someone else for that matter but she didn't. She kept my secret until I was comfortable enough to tell them.