Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 7 "Naomi"

This chapter we shall call this person "Naomi" but if she every reads this she'll know it's about her. I don't want her to think that I don't like her it's far from that. I do like her and wish she would've given me the chance. Now she's missing out on what could've been.

I sent her a text explaining about a facebook post that one of my friend's hinted at keeping secrets. So I said to her She is referring to the fact that I have questioned being transgender. I just didn't know how to bring it up with you and I don't want to mess anything up and I kinda really wanna kick her butt now.

M: Let me ask you this, you are full on girl correct? Like I do respect transgender people but I only have dated someone one time who was ftm and that didn't last long. And the only person I would date if they went full on male is my ex. And I know this is all new to hear for you but I'm telling you this stuff now so you know.

S: Yes all girl. I haven't done anything. I just don't want it to change anything between us. I do like you. And I can't lie either about who I am. And I want to be open with you.

M: Like I will respect you if you do transition. But I do understand why you want to be called handsome and why you are called uncle. Like I will be here as a friend if you do transition. I just don't know if I can date while you go through the process and I'm being totally honest right now.

S: It's fine. I get it. Like I said I might not transition. It's just all new to me.

M: Because the only person I ever promise I would still date if they transition is my ex and I don't think I can make that promise to anyone else.

S: It's fine.

M: Yea sorry if this breaks you or anything but right now that puts some hold on a lot of things for us and I need to really take the time to think on a lot of things.

S: That's fine. I respect that. I'm sorry.

M: Like do you think you will transition or you just now figuring all of this out?

S: Honestly I'm still trying to figure it out. My ex didn't like the idea at all. So I pushed it away. I have been a lot happier since I talked to a friend.

M: Are you wanting to be male is that like how you feel?

S: Honestly if anything I thought about top surgery because I don't like my boobs. But that's about as far as I thought. It's all new to me. I'm sorry.

M: So you don't think about  the injections to change your voice or anything like that?

S: Honestly I have but I don't know if I will.

M: Yea I like you like I really like you but right now I don't know what to do or think with knowing all of this now.

S: That's fine I get it. I will give you the time you need.

M: So you really don't know if you want to transition or not?

S: No I don't know.

M: See I'm attracted to studs and butches. But me being a lesbian I'm not really attracted to men I like women who kind of look like men but are still a woman if you know what I mean.

S: I know what you mean hon.

M: And right now I like you but at the same time I have an ex who doesn't want to let me go and I'm trying to move on.

S: I like you too. I get what your saying I'm here either way. Friend or whatever you want me to be.

M: I'm gonna give ya a chance I mean if you do want to transition I'll be here.

S: Thanks. If I decide to do anything I will discuss it with you.

M: I really like you I want to make this work with you and I'm gonna love you for you no matter what you do.

S: That means so much to me. I should've told you sooner. So I'm sorry for that. I like you and didn't want that to change because for the first time in a long time I been genuinely happy talking to you.

M: We both like each other but I want us to meet first to see if we click in person. Right now I have an ex who still holds onto the hope of maybe having me back but there are reasons why I walked away from  her and so right now I don't want to jump into a relationship just yet until I know for sure I won't get hurt or emotionally or mentally abuse like I was before from previous people I have dated. I'm a domestic violence survivor and it has taken me for so long to come to who I am today and today is the first time I have ever said that I am a survivor of domestic violence but it's the truth.

S: I agree with you. I'm not wanting to rush into anything either. I was mentally abused and physically abused by my ex so I understand. I'm here for you in anyway I can be. 

M: I just want to see where this goes.

S: Me too.

M: And if we don't really click well as relationship I'm okay still having you as a friend.

S: Same. You're an awesome person.

It sucks knowing this wonderful woman came along and things didn't work out. She wasn't ready for a relationship. I think being transgender could've been part of it as well. But she said she wasn't ready so I respect that.  I haven't given up yet on finding someone that will love me for me. The real me. The man that I am suppose to be.

Update: "Naomi" came back into my life. We are officially dating and it's been a month already. She even gave me a card that was sweet and said I will be here with you as you transition kind of thing.

I wouldn't have it any other way and I'm glad that she is giving me the opportunity to show her what love is all about. She makes me happy and I hope I do the same for her.

Update: "Naomi" and I have broken up. Mental health is not a issue to be ignored. I dealt with it my whole life. I get in a mood where I don't want to talk to anyone and that being said even my girlfriend. It was nothing on her. I told her that but I guess she couldn't be there for me when I needed her the most. She broke up with me when I was in the slump. Like who would do that? Then she had the nerve to try to ask me back out and say she messed up. She also stated she was sorry. I was like oh hell no you couldn't handle me when I needed you the most so yeah not going to happen. Now I'm focusing on me and starting my journey to see about transitioning. Then maybe someone will come along who's worthy of my love and will be there for me through it all.