Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 20 Niko

Nicois my bro. My ride or die be by my side best man! He is actually going through the same thing I am. He has an amazing girlfriend who is my friend before he came into the picture. When we first meant we instantly clicked. I don't click with a lot of people and when it happened you just know, like that's my person!

His girlfriend is always telling me how similar the two of us are! It's crazy the connection you can have with somebody. Lately my mood has been all over the place. Partly it being still getting called "ma'am", "sis", "daughter" and any other female word. The other part being what is going on with some very close to me I won't say what that is. I been putting distance between me and everyone! Nico being one of those people. Now I didn't mean to do it. That being said Nico called me out on my shit saying: I just wanna talk to you about something. This has been bothering me since Wednesday. I noticed we were all bro and bro at the drag show but on Wednesday at work it's like I didn't exist when your friend Teresa shows up to work. It's a little messed up how you switch up so fast like I'm always here for you if you need me and we're both about to transition I wanted a bro to do it with but the talking to me when it's only convenient for you is hurtful cuz I try to be bros all the time sometimes it seems like you don't care.

That hurt and I know Nico wasn't being mean to me, but he was right! I fucked up! I guess I feel like everyone I care about ends up leaving me in some way. Like I lost "Natalie", my work wife (she went to a different store), my exes, and family or so called family. I guess I kinda was afraid that Nico was gonna leave me too. Fucked up yeah I know but when you've been hurt so many times you can't help but think that way. Anyways back to my conversation with Nico.

I responded back with: Aww bro I'm sorry. Wednesday is stressful sometimes and I'm not where I need to be mental health wise. I'm sorry for making ya feel like that next time just smack me upside the head. My mood been all over the place like I'm actually keeping track of it. Lately I been more down then anything. I will try not to be like that. Again I'm sorry your my bro.

Nico sent back this: I appreciate the apology bro and know I'm always here even when you need someone to vent to about anything. I have my own mental health issues so I definitely get it. You mean a lot to me though you're the first person I feel like I really made friends with when I moved here. Whatever you need I'm here don't forget that.

I said back to Nico: ( I erased some cause it gives away about who close to me been hurt)
Aww thanks bro. It's always been hard for me to talk about stuff, especially with what's going on, like I could commit murder over it. That's like a big part of my mental health right now because I can't take the pain away. Aww that makes me feel special. Idk why we just clicked! And it's awesome I usually don't get it with that many people.

Nico said back: Yea I still can't believe that shit that happened. I don't blame you idk where my head would be with that situation either I'd want to commit murder too. We definitely clicked, I'm usually that awkward person that doesn't talk to people idk lol I'm glad you're my bro.

My final response to Nico was: I'm glad your my bro too.

Well Nico I just want to say thank you man! I'm glad we are able to go through this together. You're my bro! I love you man!