Finding Myself; The Man in The Mirror

Chapter 3 Lisa

Lisa is my work wife and such a wonderful person. I know I mentioned to Lisa before about wanting being trans but my ex Jenn held me back from doing it. I don't know if she was going to remember or now so I figured that I would message Lisa. Even though I know I could've told her in person.

This is what I said to her: For years I have been struggling with myself and I think I mentioned to you before a bit on how I felt but lately it's been coming back. Most people know how my anger is and I think that this is part of where it's coming from because I'm not being true to myself. When I was with Jenn she said about leaving me if I decided to go through with it. Now that we aren't together I am really wanting to do it so I could be happier. I also think it's why I have depression cause I'm hiding it. Anyways I don't know if you pieced it together  yet or have an inkling. Of course it's going to take time and I know that. I'm wanting to transition. I know there's a lot I have to go through and I think the whole me wanting to be a drag king is really bringing that out again. I don't want to keep hiding it. I haven't told a lot of people yet. So I know you won't tell anyone but I'm hoping when I'm ready to tell people like at work that you'll be there for me.

I knew in my heart that Lisa was going to be accepting of it.  She has no idea how her response effected me. I cried. It wasn't tears of sadness but tears of joy. I felt like a bunch of weight was lifted off my shoulders. You're probably wondering how she responded.

Well here it is, Lisa's response: I will always be here for you! No matter who you are, what your name is, what you look like and will support who you want to be. You have told me before because I asked you why you never did start transitioning before and you said because Jenn would no longer be attracted to you. (But then she cheats on you with a dude...makes no sense because you pretty much already look like a dude.) I think you should slowly take it one step at a time and do small things here and there. It takes a lot of effort and different mindset to fully commit to the transition.

Her response was better then what I was expecting. I didn't want it to change anything between us. I'm glad it hasn't. She still talks to me know matter what it is about. I feel like when the time comes that she too will be by my side like "Marie." Lisa has helped me through a lot. I'm thankful to have her in my life as well. She opened my eyes to a lot of things. I felt comfortable talking to her and I think that's why it was so easy to tell her. I wish I could've said to her in person that I was trans. I knew in my heart that I would've lost my shit. I also knew that Lisa would've hugged me because that's the kind of person she is. Her fiancée is lucky to have her as she is him. I told her that I was okay with her telling him. She said that he asked before about it. He's a cool guy and they are meant for each other I love them both. 

When I got my first chest binder after telling "Marie" I immediately told Lisa. Just like "Marie" she was wanting to see it. I couldn't have been happier to show her as well. I sent her a picture through snapchat and said it looked better in person. She just like "Marie" she said she was happy for me. I am so happy to have such supportive friends. They mean the world to me. 

You think after telling the people that I have so far I would be ready to come out to my family and those at work. It scares me because everyone knows me as Sheila not Tobias even though Tobias is staring back at them. 

After I got the letter to be able to get top surgery I messaged Lisa right away. Sent her the screen shot of the message and her response was: that's so awesome!

I said back to her: Yes it is I'm super excited just knowing I have this! Would it be too weird if I frame it or do something art related with it? (For those that don't know I love art! I'm not good at it but I love it. I have made a turkey out of balloons that I came up with on my own. I have painted sunsets, rainbows, hearts etc. Just a little bit so you can know what I have done.)

Anyways Lisa responded with: Why would that be weird. It’s a milestone, an accomplishment in your journey to being the man you want to be.

I said back: Awwww true. I just got the idea to frame it.  Not sure how yet 😂 but it will come to me.

I really can't wait now to figure out something to do with it. Maybe I'll do more then one thing. Like so many thoughts are running through my mind that I think would look really cool. Once I do something I'll be sure to write about it so you all know.