We Go Down Together [ ENGLISH VERSION ]

38. Been Like This

 WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT

Kit wasn't prepared to face Jade, not at all, she thought she was, but as soon as she steps inside the girl's apartment and recognized Graydon's voice in the phone, the anger and hurt just took over her all over again, and every sentence that came out of her mouth was cruel and bitter.

Until this very moment, where her and Jade are front to front, vulnerable, hurting and upset.

Kit feels the pressure in her chest, the same she feels when she has a very strong emotion, the kind of emotion that makes her insides ache.

She approaches Jade,who has set on the sofa and has her head down, she can see in her posture how much pain she feels, how much pain Kit has inflicted on her.

Kit sits down and takes a breath before saying:

— You lied to me — Jade looks up as Kit speaks — You lied to me about everything, about what I am, about what you are and this whole situation — Kit feels the tears coming to her eyes — You really thought that I could just accept everything without thinking twice? This is a whole thing that I needed to assimilate and understand, it is my life! — Kit fails at holding the tears back, and as she starts crying, Jade's eyes fill with tears, and she sees how much she controls herself to not touch Kit — I trusted you, I gave you everything I had in me, and you hurt me and lied and hid things from me Jade, I had the right to know.

— I know — Jade's voice sounds hoarse — And I am so sorry Kit, but I thought...

— It doesn't matter what you thought! — Kit exclaims, sobbing — It is my life, and my death and my curse, is mine! And even though your intentions were good, it is not in your control, so you can choose to hide this from me, you had no right! — Jade lowers her head, her shoulders trembling as she cries, breaking Kit's heart. This whole situation was painful to both of them.

Kit takes a deep breath, looking to the ceiling, trying to keep herself together.

— I hated you — She confesses in a lower voice, closing her eyes — Oh how I hated you for all the pain you were causing me, all the lies you told on those nights together, that one time you completely pretended to be surprised about the news of the woman you killed! — Tears go down on her face, her heart seems to squeezes in her chest, causing so much pain — I hated you so much Jade — she opens her eyes and looks at Jade, who has on her face the most heartbreaking look — And I hated myself too, because even though I knew everything I do, I still loved you — She shrugs — And I couldn't make myself stop loving you, and it was so frustrating! — She raises her voice — you hurt me, and you killed people, and you betrayed my trust, but here I am, still loving you like some stupid hopeless romantic I promise I'd never be.

Jade closes her eyes, everything in her emits pain, Kit gets closer, her fool heart beats fast as she approaches Jade, every piece of Jade, since her beautiful brown eyes till her endless freckles amazed Kit, and she hated her for it.

She loved her for it.

— My heart is a helpless fool — Kit says as she approaches more and more, Jade looks at her, her eyes widening as she notes Kit's proximity — I have all the reasons to hate you, I have all the reasons to want to be away from you, but I can't do it — Kit's eyes meet Jade's gaze, and they lock, like chains attached, incapable to look away — Even after all the pain you caused me, being away from you hurts way more than being close, it hurts in every way and I can't do it — She slides her fingertips though Jade's cheek, she almost leans in, not able to control her body — I know I should hate you, but this is not an option anymore — And finally, after such a long time, Kit finally says what she's been wanting to tell Jade for so long — I love you Jade, you are the first and only person I've ever loved, in this, or in any other of my lives, and even though you already heard me say this so many times before, I can't help but feel the urge to say: There is not an obstacle that can make me not love you, there's no truth about you or me, no cruelty any of us made before, there's nothing that can make me not love you — Jade's eyes fill with an emotion Kit can't name it, but it feels soft and warm and intense — You are the only one, it was always you and will always be you and for you, all of it — She caresses Jade's face, making her close her eyes for an instant before looking at her again — Promise me you will never hurt me again Jade, I need you to promise me this.