A Friendship Lost

12 - Not Going Anywhere

Ben's POV

Getting her on a third date approved to be much trickier than I thought it would be.
So far I heard that she's busy, or that she's tired because of her schedule, that one of her kids need her and so on. It's been two weeks since we had last seen each other and I miss her.

I had to step up my game, so I decided to send her flowers. I went for a big bouquet of white lillys along with a note that read:

I know you're scared, but I need you to know that I'm not going anywhere. Love, Ben

Jennifer's POV

„Jennifer!", my assistant calls me.
I'm inside my office. „In here!", I yell back just as she comes walking inside with a big bouquet of white lillys in a vase in her arms.

„What??", I say stunned.
„A courier just brought them over.", she says and places them on the table in front of me.
„Is there a note?", I ask.
„Here.", she points at one.

I pull it out and read.

I know you're scared, but I need you to know that I'm not going anywhere. Love, Ben

I cover my mouth with my palm and my eyes fill themselves with tears while a knot is building up inside my stomach. It's simple, but it means the world to me.

„Can you give me a moment?", I ask my assistant.

I cry a little while reading the note over and over again. All I need to do is say yes and he's all in. That's all I ever wanted.

But I've gotten close to that and it didn't last.
These thoughts pull me back every single time and they push me right into Marc's arms where it's safe, because there's nothing happening with him. We know exactly at what page we're both on and what we want and get from each other. That's comforting and not scary at all. That's security.

But I know it can't be like that forever.
I sigh and press Ben's message against my chest, then I breathe in and out slowly a couple of times.

I lean forward to smell the lillys. They smell really good. I touch their silky but mat feeling petals and admire their beauty for a while.

My heart is beating fast as I take my phone into my hands. I press Ben's name and hold the phone to my ear. I feel shaky.

„Hi beautiful.", he answers the phone.
„Hi. I.. I just got your flowers. They're beautiful."
„I know white lilly's are your fave."
I smile and giggle softly.
„Thank you."

„Did you see the note?"
„I did..." I look at it once more and let my thumb brush over the letters.
„You're right. I am scared.", I whisper.
„I'm not gonna leave."
I inhale shakily.
„Give me a chance.", he continues.

„I don't like to talk about that on the phone. I need to see you.", I respond.
„Okay. Come over for dinner. Saturday at six?"
„Okay.", I whisper.
„Good. I can't wait to see you."
„Until saturday then...", I say and quickly  hang up.

Doing this is a big step out of my comfort zone right now, because I'm willing to talk to him about what scares me. So even making this date was a little nervewracking.

-

I managed to keep my anxiety about all of this on the low for the days leading up to saturday, but not without releasing a little tension with Marc. Now that I'm going to talk with Ben about what fears me and why I'm holding back, it actually feels wrong after we're done.

But it felt like I'm about to crawl out of my own skin, I felt itchy and nervous and I was lacking concentration so running to Marc to calm me down through sex felt like a good thing to do at that point. And it did for me what I wanted it to. I was more relaxed, a lot calmer and not the nervous wreck I've been these past days.

I think of lying in Marc's arms after we had sex. „What's up mami, you seem troubled.", he said and I had snuggled onto his shoulder. We hadn't been cuddling after sex since we had our little affair, because we were in it just for the sex. But that day we kinda felt like it. I didn't wanted to tell him about Ben though, so I just shrugged my shoulders. „I don't know."
He kissed my forehead like he always does, when he wants to comfort me.

So that was friday and now it's saturday and I still feel a little lost. A lot better, but kinda lost.

„Mom?", Cy snaps me out of my thoughts.
„Mh?", I look up to her.
„Did you even listen to me?", they narrow one brow and pucker their lips.
„I'm sorry baby.", I say, let my head sink and shake it. We're sitting at the dining table.

Cy gets up and hugs me tight.
„That feels good mama.", I say. „Sorry. Baby. That feels good baby."
„Don't worry momma.", they say.
„I already feel better, thank you.", I smile at them as they lean back to look at me.

„You mean the world to me, you know that, right?", I say and put my palm on their cheek.
They nod.
„I'm sorry for being all distracted and clumsy these past days.", I apologize.
„Do you wanna talk about it?", they ask.
They've grown to be so loving and caring and I'm so proud of them.
„Not right now. But thank you baby, I appreciate you asking.", I pull them into another hug and I feel like they give me strength to see Ben later.

„What are your plans with dad?", I ask. They and Max will be staying at Marc's from saturday until monday.

-

Marc picks them up at 5 and I leave shortly after. I'm wearing simple wide beige pants and a white sweatshirt that I tucked into it. My hair is in a messy ponytail. I'm nervous, my heart is pounding and I'm softly nibbling on my fingernails. I don't bite them, they're just a good distraction.

We pull up at Ben's house and I almost wish I could tell my driver to turn and leave. But I don't. I need this conversation.

I didn't even get to ring when Ben opens up the door.
„Hi.", he glances at me.
„Hi.", I shyly reply and walk inside.

„I made a caesar salad for you. And some rice. Oh and also some extra chicken. And beans.. I wasn't sure what you'd like to eat today, so I just made a bunch.", he says as he walks, scratching his neck nervously.

„You didn't need to do all of that stuff for me.", I smile softly.

He stops and turns around and I almost bump into him.
„I wanted to.", he says and looks into my eyes.
I smile again, my heart's already beating faster than I like it to.
„Well thanks.", I softly say.

He turns back around and keeps on walking into the dining room.
„I like it here.", I say overlooking the bright grey furniture.
„Oh yes, you've never been."
„No."

He walks up to the table and pulls the chair out for me. I sit down and he sits across from me.

On both of our tables is the Caesar Salad, so we start with that.

„Mh, that's good.", I say while chewing. „You made it all by yourself?"
„Yes."
„Really?" I raise a brow.
„You don't believe me?", Ben laughs.
„Mh." I shrug my shoulder slightly and hide a grin.

„You can watch me next time, so you'll have proof."
„I don't remember you being a good cook."
„Excuse me?"
I chuckle softly.
„I mean, I don't remember you being much in the kitchen at all.", I say.

„Because you're still way better.", he says.
„This salad is definitely a thing you should make in the...", I wanted to say future, but I stop myself.
„Yeah?", he asks.
„Nothing.", I say and continue eating.

After that I just eat some chicken along with rice, since I'm already pretty full.
Ben takes off the plates after we're done, then he sits back down.

„Let's talk about us, shall we?", he says.
I inhale deeply.