A Friendship Lost

21 - Lost

Ben's POV

„I'm back!", I shout inside as I cross the threshold.
I've picked up some groceries Jennifer was craving, which maybe wasn't too smart since people spotted me and took pictures. But all they know is, that I'm here somewhere. Nothing about Jenn.

„Babe?", I shout again, because she's not responding.

I put the brown bag on the table and walk around. She's not on the patio. I walk past the bathroom, the door is ajar and a soft light is peeking through. I hear soft sobs and gently push the door open. Jennifer sits on the rug in a fetal position, her arms are wrapped around her legs and her head is in between her knees.

She's crying.
I walk over to her, let myself down on my knees and gently put my hand on her back. She flinches a little.

„What's wrong?", I ask her.
Jennifer sobs. „I lost it."
I frown, I have no idea what she's talking about. I move and kneel right in front of her, my palms are on top of hers.

„Lost what?"
She lifts her head and looks at me. Her eyes are puffy, her nose is red and she looks as vulnerable as I've never seen her before.

I put one palm on her cheek and softly brush my thumb over it.
„Our baby.", she whispers.

„Wha...?", midway through the word, I lose my ability to speak.

Jennifer inhales shakily.

„I didn't only lose you, back then.", she speaks soft and slow, her voice is trembling slightly. „I also lost our baby.... Ben... I was pregnant when we broke up."

I look at her for a while, trying to wrap my head around what she just told me. Millions of questions shoot through my mind as I look at her.

„Why didn't you tell me?", I manage to say.

„I didn't know. I found out a week later.."

„A week after we split?", I say in shock.
She nods, my palm on her cheek follows her movements.

„You still could've told me, baby.."
„It wouldn't have made a difference.", she says, shrugs her shoulders, then let's her head down a little.

„But I could've been there for you.", I say and lift it back up. „You wouldn't have to go through it alone.."

She scoffs in a hurt way. I know why she does. I'm aware that I couldn't have been there for her. It probably would've caused too much pain. Still, I wish I would've gotten a chance to say goodbye to our child. To know about it. And to be there for her. Maybe everything would've been different.

„I'm here now.", I say and pull her into my arms. She cries heavy tears and it feels like she wasn't able to cry them all those years. Now I understand even more of her pain and anxiety she experienced when I came back into her life. She lost everything and so much more.

I feel her pain. And mine too as I cry with her. For her pain, for our baby and also for my new emerged pain. We could've been a family. There was a baby.

After we calmed down, I need to ask her questions that now burn inside my mind.

„When did you loose it?"
She breathes in and out deeply. „About two weeks after I found out. Actually.. today is the day that...", her voice cracks and I put my palm on her head.
„Shh.. it's okay, you don't need to say it."

„Can I ask you more?"
„Go ahead.."

„How far along were you?"
„Thirteen weeks.", she says. She emphasized ‚thirteen' in a very trembling way.

Being a father of three, I know after you've passed the 12 weeks milestone you usually start feeling a lot safer because chances you'll lose the baby decline after that.