Kaz Brekker imagines

The Phoenix and the Crow

part eleven

The wind made Y/N's hair dance wildly around her as she leaned her hip against the side of the ship. She had heard all about the uprising privateer's flying ship but had never got the chance to be abroad. Her eyes closed as she relaxed at the feeling of the cold wind around her. She felt free and untethered while in the air, the same feeling she had felt the first time she rode her horse across the palace grounds.

She circled around to look across the deck of the ship, mentally doing a head count of everyone on board. Nina stood beside Inej listening to whatever the suli spoke of with much interest. Jesper and Wylan were glued to each other's sides while they looked out at the water, pointing every once in a while to a fish they saw. Toyla stood at the wheel while Zoya paced the quarter-deck before waving her hands every so often to push the ship a bit faster. Kaz sat on the steps up to the quarter-deck with his leg stretched out in front of him, they made eye contact for a moment before Y/N smiled gently and looked away.

"Catch me!" The small voice was heard over the strong autumn winds that blew around them as the young child threw themselves into Y/N's arms. She laughed and spun her brother around the best a ten-year-old could do to a six-year-old.

"Oooh a stowaway on my ship?" She bounced him onto her hip to keep him up. He shook his head fervently as peels of laughter fell from his small pink lips. "You know what I do to stowaways?" She spoke in a loud voice making it deeper to fit the character she acted out. The little boy laughed louder, "No! No! Please!"

"I'm sorry, young man, but it must be done!" She giggled as she tossed him into the giant pile of leaves their father gathered that morning. They both laughed louder as she threw herself down next to him.

The familiar clicking of a cane sounded from behind her and dragged her out of her memory. She didn't need to turn around to feel him stand behind her.

"You look better." His voice was clipped but still seemed kind. Kind enough when coming from the bastard of the barrel that is.

She scoffed, "What did I look bad before?"

Kaz shrugged, and the corner of his lips quirked upward. "You look healthy."

She turned bashful now knowing the fact that he noticed her lack of strength the last few days. "I feel better... Must've been the hallucination, honestly."

"What did your toxin trip reveal to you?" He leaned closer on his cane, hardly noticeable but her sharp eyes caught it—the curiosity in his eyes. The same tiny spark of hope that she felt in her chest reflected in his eyes. But before she could give in and tell him what she saw in the hallucinations the Darkling's voice echoed in her mind again. And instead of sharing and being open, taking the same step he did, the words that tumbled out of her mouth were the words that had been repeated to her all throughout her years at the Little Palace.

"Hope is dangerous. Clouds your judgment."

She didn't tell him what she saw, how could she? She hardly knows this man despite the fact that her brain thought otherwise. She knows more about him than he knows of her. She's pieced together some of his past and her heart ached for him. Life wasn't fair and it was obvious in both of their lives.

Y/N turned to look up at him as he leaned on the railing beside her. The need to tell him had come back and only grew stronger when she noticed the same curiosity across his face. "The Darkling. That's who I saw." It wouldn't hurt to share some of it. "Reminding me of everything I could never have despite my childish wishes and dreams."

"From where we stood it looked like he reminded you just how powerful you are as well."

She shook her head, "He reminded me of the monster he made me."

"The Phoenix is hardly viewed as a monster. From what I've heard you're just as much a Saint as the sun summoner. The most powerful inferni to walk the earth." Kaz didn't look at her as he spoke, only kept his eyes trained on the sea below them, his voice was almost teasing.

"Yeah, but I don't want to be known as powerful because of my gift or- or because of the Darkling, or because of fear. I... I want to be powerful because I moved forward despite the odds. If people were to fear me, I want them to fear the name I built for myself." She squeezed the rail under her hand. "I envy you for that reason... if I were to speak honestly."

This caused him to look down at her, confusion swam in his eyes.

"You created a name for yourself, a name that brings people to their knees." The pair smirked at the memory of the Dime Lions' gambling den. "Literally."

A warm feeling grew in Y/N's chest at the easiness of the conversation. There was nothing strange or awkward about talking to him, she felt like she could tell him anything even though she knew it was best not to. She wondered if he felt the same ease of the conversation or if it was all just in her head, but from the look in his eyes and his relaxed shoulders, it was safe to assume he felt it.

"It's fake." A dark look flashed over Kaz's face as the words fell from his lips. "My name, it's fake."

Y/N only nodded, moving so her back was against the handrail. "Kaz is a fake name?"

"Brekker." His eyes met her's for a moment before looking away. "Brekker is a fake name."

She hummed, "We all do things for reasons only we know." Twisting her fingers around each other, she sighed. "There are plenty of things I've done that if I had taken the time to actually think it through... I wouldn't have made those choices, but in the end I'm standing here today and I wouldn't be if I hadn't made thoes choices. So, I wouldn't change anything."

"I wouldn't-" Kaz was interrupted by Toyla shouting that they made it. Inej, Nina and Zoya all walked to one side, waiting for Y/N.

The inferni gave Kaz a tight smile, "Well, I'm off." She pulled her shoulders back as she walked to where the other girls stood waiting.

Kaz watched in astonishment as the girl with whom he had just carried an intimate conversation with slipped back into the formal behavior that came with being a soldier. It was as if she had put back on a stoic and formal front, slipping back into her all too familiar mask. It was as if Y/N had only allowed herself a short break from such a pretense for those few private moments with him.