Lost Star~Ateez OT8

Sad Eyes and Broken Mind

Stitch My Heart

Nyx POV

I must’ve passed out. I don’t remember. The last thing I recall is talking to all of them and feeling like complete shit. I can’t quite open my eyes yet and all I can feel is his warm embrace, and I feel so small. I started moving my hands up his body to his face and hair trying to figure out who’s holding me… Yunho
I opened my eyes and moved my head to look at him and saw him slightly smirking at me
*Oh I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure who I was with*
He chuckled at me and kissed my forehead, reassuring me that it was okay. I asked him if it were possible for me to have a shower because I feel disgusting. But I still have this stupid cast on my arm and leg. I can still shower using my one hand to wash my hair and body.
*I’m sorry my love but you can’t get your casts wet, but if you really want, I can give you a bath, or just run a bath for you if you want and help you in there*
*It sounds wonderful if you help me, please*
*Alright not a problem. Just wait right here and I’ll go get everything ready*
Watching him walk into his ensuite bathroom. I have absolutely no clothes. Nothing to wear. I lost everything when I left. And since I’ve been back ive been on bedrest. Six more days until I get my casts off and I can’t fucking wait.
They haven’t said anything to me about hunting them down, all I know is I want to help take them down, to finally get my revenge. Maybe I’m losing my mind. I can’t think straight. In four months I’ve never been so injured and broken. The ptsd is ten times worse then it was before and these eight guys still want to be with me for some reason. I’ll have to make it up to them. Maybe I’ll ask Felix if he can help me with training as soon as I’m allowed to be out of bed.
Yunho came back in five minutes later and I told him that I don’t have anything to wear, he said not to worry about it. But deep inside I want to cry, deep inside I feel so broken and beaten down. And secretly I wish I could just die so I don’t have to keep reliving these memories over and over again. Secretly I still want to run away and leave them all behind, but every time they find me. And every time they tell me to stop pushing them away and to let them help, that they love me. But it only makes me feel worse.
How do I tell them all of this. They’ll think I’m going insane or already gone insane.
Too busy lost in thought and trying to hold my emotions together. And coming back to reality, he was standing over me trying to get my attention with a concerned look on his face, worry in his eyes
*Baby are you okay? Do you still want to have a bath? Tell me what you want baby, it’s okay, I’m here to take care of you*
*Yes I’d still like to. And you’re going to stay with me right? You’re not going to leave right?* My heart rate elevating and I can feel my body starting to tremble, my eyes watering up. Flashbacks coming into my head and my body is going into fight or flight. But I can’t stop.
He sat down and cradled me in his lap, kissing my head and telling me over and over that it’s okay, that he loves me.
It felt like an eternity until I finally was okay again, but I had a death grip on his shirt to keep him close to me. Scared he’s going to leave. Scared they’ll all leave. It’s funny, because I’m always the one leaving them. Running away.
He stood up and walked us into the bathroom, setting my down on the bathroom counter and started brushing my hair with his brush, kissing my cheek every once in a while. And pinched the bottom of my shirt slightly lifting it up, I nodded to him and he took my shirt off, and his. Helping me stand I pushed my shorts off, and he did too. Lifting me and carefully placing me in the tub with him sitting behind me, my leg and arm resting on the edge of the tub to not get my casts wet. I sat in between his legs, and he used a washcloth along my body so tenderly
*Yunho. I’m scared. And terrified all the time, even though I’m with you guys again I’m still terrified. And my body keeps going into fight or flight mode and I get these ptsd flashbacks constantly I want to stop reliving this, I want to forget. Deep inside I want to die so I won’t have to remember and feel this anymore. My brain is such a mess, I can’t think straight. Because I want to run away so it will be better for you guys and Callie. But then I want to just stay curled up in your arms. I never want to leave. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so broken and defeated. And there’s also this part of me that’s awakened and I feel so full of rage and I want to personally kill the guys who did this to me, my brother. And I want to go back to America to take out the rest of my so called family that did this to me. I don’t know who I am anymore Yunho. I’m so scared*
*Awe my sweet angel. It’s going to take some time for your mind and body to  know you’re in a safe environment, that you’re home. We’ll be here for you, to get you through your flashbacks when they happen. And if you want we can arrange something for you to see a counselor, if you think it’ll help. I know it's so hard and difficult right now, but all you have to do is just get through this next minute, take it an hour at a time, one day at a time. I promise you, and the guys promise you, we are never going anywhere, we want to be by your side, forever. I’m not sure it’s such a good idea for you to take out all of those people that have hurt you. It’s going to be hard, but you’ll have to start working on your healing journey, to cope with everything you went through before you met us, when you’ve been with us, and the time after you tried to do what you thought was best. To learn forgiveness and to let go of these things that hurt you, to work through the things that haunt you. Were going to be with you every step of the way, and if it makes you feel better, I can arrange for you to start self defense training after your casts are off, okay?*
I couldn’t say anything. It felt like the air was getting caught in my chest and I started to sob in his arms. Feeling so helpless and worthless. He kept his arms around me and softly hummed a song in my ear to try and help calm me down. I sobbed in his arms for at least an hour, he still gave me soft kisses, holding me in his arms trying to help me get through this moment
He washed my hair for me, washed off my body. Dried me off, got me dressed and put me down on the bed so I was sitting on the edge. And after he finished taking care of me he went and got dressed himself, coming out a couple minutes later. He let me wear some of his clothes again, and he went to his closet and picked out one of his sweaters and put it on me. Kissed my forehead and picked me back up in his arms walking out of his room
*Yunho where are we going?*
*I thought maybe you might like to hang out in the living room, you still can’t walk around by yourself and you still need to rest, but we’re going to the living room angel, it’s okay*
Rounding the corner into the living room, layers of blankets all over the floor, teddy bears and more then a dozen pillows everywhere, and the rest of the guys in their pj’s too, greeting me warmly. Yunho set me down in the middle, Hongjoong and Yeosang sitting on either side of me and covered me up with a couple fuzzy blankets. Mingi and San left briefly and came back in with arms full of snacks and drinks, I can’t help but smile. They’re all such sweethearts and it makes my heart feel whole.
Wooyoung turning on the tv and loading up Netflix, passing me the remote to pick something to watch. But even this felt overwhelming and I just passed the remote to Hongjoong.
He put on a cute animated movie, sitting there eating snacks. I took turns leaning on Hongjoong and Yeosang. I’ll have to ask Yunho if he can tell them what I told him in the bath. Because I don’t want to say it again and crumble more in front of them.
Just in this moment, I feel so warm with them. My body and mind relaxed sitting here with them. I am going to take Yunho up on what he said. I think I need to talk to a counselor, and I want them to teach me how to defend myself. And ask them if they can help me with something else..
*I hope you know that I love you all so much. You’re my heart, with you I’m home*