Lost Star~Ateez OT8

I Can't Let Myself Go

Don’t Chase Me From You

Nyx POV

I opened my eyes and felt so warm. I started to move around and felt his arms loosen from my body. I lifted my head up from his chest and saw his beautiful warm puppy eyes looking back at me
*Did you have a nice sleep baby?*
*I didn’t mean to fall back asleep, what time is it?*
*I think its just about eleven now. Chan and the others will be here in an hour. And we’re also going to be discussing the schedule as well. Hongjoong came and told me earlier*
*I would rather be here for the meeting too, I want to know whats going on, please?*
*Of course angel don’t worry*
I sat up in Yunhos bed and pushed myself to the edge and he came behind me
*Where are you going babe?*
*I just want to go get ready before the others get here*
He kissed my cheek and lifted me in his arms, taking me to my room and setting me down on my feet just in front of my closet. I kissed him deeply and told him I would just be in here getting ready, he gave me a small nod and I went and picked out my outfit for today, went into the bathroom brushed my hair and teeth and only did my makeup. Good enough. I’ll be getting my hair and nails redone today anyway so there’s no need for me to be doing anything with my hair right now. I stripped everything off my bed and tossed it all on the floor, putting new sheets on my bed and pulling out my extra blanket. I'll do laundry later

12pm

I heard the voices all in the living room and made my way out. Being tackled in a hug from Felix, knocking the air right out of my lungs
*Ah! Felix what the fuck?* I was trying to get my breathing under control again but small chuckles were coming out too and I felt him laughing
He got us both back on our feet again
*Sorry, I didn’t hurt you did i?*
I lightly smacked his arm and gave him a wink, turning and walking over to San and sitting down in his lap as the rest of the guys took a seat as well. Waiting for Hongjoong to begin the meeting
*Okay first things first. We will be pushing the tour back. We’ll be leaving this Friday. It’s only Monday now, but tomorrow we’ll be moving to a new house so we won’t have to worry about it when we get back from the tour. And speaking of the tour. Our dates have been extended as well. We’re going to be traveling now to Japan, China, Thailand and Indonesia. I know its a lot of places to travel to and this is the biggest tour we’ve done, but under the circumstances we have a lot of ground to cover and multiple mafia groups we’re going to be eliminating* - Hongjoong
*We’ve got word that Michael was last seen in Japan which is why we’re starting there. The other groups know that they’re being hunted and have all spread out which is why we’re going to be traveling to all of the places we’re going to now* - Chan
*Does anyone have any questions?* - Hongjoong
*Am I going to be helping in the hunt?*
*That’s only if you want to sweetheart. We aren’t going to push you to do anything you don’t want to do okay?* - Seonghwa
I looked around the room trying to read the expressions on the others faces, but my own anger and rage is preventing me from being able to think properly. I locked eyes with Felix and gave him the tiniest nod and eyebrow raise so he would understand my signal and he nodded back slightly in return. I’m glad he understood what I was trying to get across to him.
There’s no way I’m going to sit out on the sidelines, PTSD be damned, my fear be damned. I will do this and I will come out stronger on the otherside. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts that I had missed what the others were talking about. San began rubbing my leg with his hand and I felt my body relax from being so tense and I looked at him, into his eyes. He quickly kissed my cheek and laid his head against my arm as he listened to the rest of the guys talk. But I can’t concentrate.
All I want right now is to satisfy the bloodlust forming in my soul, running through my veins. I got up from San’s lap and went into the kitchen, grabbing myself a glass and walking over to the fridge to get some orange juice. Standing in front of the sink and looking out the window. I wonder where we’re going to be moving to. And shouldn’t we have started packing our things if we’re going to be moving that soon? Do I bother going to the mall to do the things I wanted to do? Or should I stay here and do some training? Does it matter when they’ve told me that I’m such a natural at it? But my flashbacks get in the way, I should really start doing some of my art, start drawing and doing some painting. Try to find something that’s going to help calm my mind. But after everything I’ve been through and how fucked up I am now, will it even help me at all? My mind will still be a broken navigation of my trauma and abuse, my heart will still be broken in all the ways my family treated me, my eyes will still be burned with the images of seeing him cheating on me, and I desperately want to forget. I want to get amnesia to forget all of the ways I’ve been traumatized. But it’s my own fault, I never fought back, I never defended myself, it was me that ran off to try and save the others from having to suffer through the heartache of being with me.
I was so absorbed in my own world of broken thoughts that I jumped hard when I felt a hand on me, dropping my cup in the sink and turning around fast with my other hand in a fist to fly at his chest, my mind went blank and I couldn’t process what I was doing. My body has gone into fight or flight mode and I can’t stop. My first landed against his chest and he stepped backward from the blow, my legs dropping me down to the floor and I swung my foot out kicking the side of his legs so he landed on the floor and I moved so my legs were on his arms and my elbow just overtop of his throat
I blinked a couple times, my mind coming back to reality. Mingi. I moved myself so I was laying down on top of him instead
*Why didn’t you stop me? You just let me take you down like that*
Sobs coming from my throat and my body started to shake
*Shh princess it’s okay. You were defending yourself and it was my mistake, I should have said something as soon as I came in the kitchen so I wouldn’t startle you like that*
*Mingi I know its bad. But I wish I could just lose my memory so I wouldn’t keep going through these flashbacks, but at the same time it’s my own fault and I deserve this after I ran off from you guys so many times*
*No baby doll, that’s not true. You thought it was best for everyone, it’s taken me some time to fully accept that now. Because you’re the selfless person you’ve always been, so gentle and trying to take care of everyone else, trying not to be a bother to anyone. I wish you knew how much we love you and how much we want to just take care of you and make you happy. I wish you knew how precious you really are, how beautiful you are, every amazing thing about you. We are never going to let you go and we will take care of you in any way that we can. Please just don’t leave again*
It’s like he could read my thoughts. That maybe I was already planning on leaving again, to run off and hunt him down by myself, because they all have to be on tour, they can’t back out now. The tour has already been pushed back but more dates have been added. They have no choice. But I do. I really need to talk to Felix.
Mentally kicking myself in the ass, I forced the tears back into my eyes, no more crying, no more breaking down. If a flashback comes I need to learn how to deal with it on my own. I can’t keep doing this to them, I know he said they want to take care of me but I still feel like such a burden to everyone around me, I can’t shake that feeling. I can’t help feeling that they would all be better off without me still. I said I wouldn’t run, I said I would let them help me, to let them love me. But my mind won’t stop playing in this loop of all the what if questions going through my mind
Yunho came into the kitchen and stood overtop of us
*Um, are you guys okay?*
He helped both me and Mingi to our feet and I quickly dried my eyes and told him that I was fine, walking away before either of them could say something else. I went back into the living room and they were all deep in the conversation still. But it was Felix that I wanted to talk to, I looked at him right away and he looked at me, I slightly gestured my head towards the door hoping he would get the hint, his head nodded very slightly. I walked through without meeting any of their eyes and went towards the front door, moving as quietly as I could, I put some shoes on and opened the front door and closing it as quietly as I could.
I moved and started pacing around in between the cars and waited for Felix to come out, a couple minutes later he was there
*Nyx, hey what’s going on?*
*Felix, oh good, I really need to talk to you about something. Is it possible that you have the keys to one of your guys cars you came in? And do you have your phone on you?*
*Yes I have both, what’s going on? You’re making me worried*
*I need a favor Felix, and I get the feeling you might be the only one I can talk to about this*
*Okay, of course. You can always talk to me about anything. We’re best friends afterall right?*
*Can we go for a small drive, maybe go pick up some coffee or something for everyone?*
*Yeah that’s no problem, and why did you ask me if I have my phone?*
*Because I don’t have mine, so can you just let someone in there know that we went to go get coffees for everyone?*
*Of course, lets go. We can talk in the car*
He pulled keys out of his pocket and clicked the button to unlock the doors to this beautiful classic red Camaro. I went and got in and buckled up, he got his phone connected to the Bluetooth and passed me his phone with the Spotify open and I scrolled through and clicked on a random song. Not like it matters, I need to talk to him about something anyway
*Okay, what did you want to talk to me about?*
*To be honest, you aren’t going to like it and theres a very good chance you might be upset with me after I tell you what I’m about to*
*I promise I will do my best to not react bad to anything you are about to tell me okay, you can always come to me for anything and I’ll do my best to help you in whatever ways I can*
*Okay, so here’s the thing…*