Strawberry & Cigarettes

Chapter 24 - Bloody Butterflies

Xalianas pov-

I get up early the next morning to pray and do dua for the after life at this point. I don't have anything to look forward to here. I'm living with someone that doesn't make my heart beat any faster. It feels like my heart is only slowing down in a painful way.

It's as if the walls are closing in, physically and mentally. My heart feels so numb to the point I'm scared I might just submit and not care if he takes my virginity away.

I don't want to take care of a child I don't love. I'm not looking forward to being that heartless and terrible mother. My parents weren't the best either, sold me off the second they found me and Khalil on the roof holding hands.

He was my only love, the only guy that took my heart away, gave me butterflies, and a warm feeling. But left me throwing up all those butterflies, feeling colder than ever. The last to take my love. Cheesy or not, I felt something with him.

Still breaks me that he left me stone cold the moment we were caught. Ran like a little boy and claimed I leaded him on. Claimed I started this all. Claimed I'm the bad one.

I really am stupid. The feeling was throwing up all those feeling, all those butterflies that used to make me shy now it's all gone. Nothing left for me. Not only am I wasting my time but Ayaans time. He could of have a family if I wasn't his wife.

If only they were on my side, if only my older sister looked at me softly, cupped my cheeks instead of slapping them; telling me that he's gone, I should forget him. That it'll be alright. Telling me what family tells each other.

That word. 'Love' is the stupidest most hateful word in this entire world. I hate it to the beginning of my head to the last of my toes. I hate the way I don't have that feeling in my life anymore.

I will never have that word in my life again, it only happens one time, 'inlove' doesn't happen twice. Family love doesn't happen twice either.

I laid my head on the prayer mat. My eyes closed as peacefulness spread my body and consumed me. I just wanna stay on this forever, just close my eyes shut here forever.

Tears flowed down my cheek and touch the prayer mat. Ya Allah, make this feeling go away, I don't wanna keep feeling this anymore, I don't wanna drown anymore. I want my time to be up. I want my mind to shut up already. Ya Allah, ease this pain, numb it till I meet you soon.

I raised my head when my phone besides my head ruined the peaceful moment for me. I glanced at the phone not processing what I'm supposed to be looking for.

I see two messages pop up from Ayaan. I look away from the phone and look back down on the prayer mat helplessly. Please don't turn your back on me Allah. I feel as if he is mad at me for what I did with Khalil. Is this suffering a punishment?

"Xaliana!" The angry voice of my husband roared through the front door. He was dropping me off to work early this morning but I guess I lost track of time.

"I've been honking my horn at you! I even fucking texted you! The hell!" He took angry steps to me and i cringed when he stepped on the prayer mat with his dirty muddy shoes.

I pushed the mat away from his feet and stared back at him. "Have patience." His eyes turned darker. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up easily. "You're the one who woke me up, left me in a car for 30 minutes and I have to have patience?"

I look directly at him. "Yes, you're a grown man. Act like one." His jaw visibly clenched. He reached done and clenched my left thigh immediately. Ten pain shoots through my body. I closed my eyes from the pain.

"You remember this? I don't want to activate it right? That's too early my love." He chuckled and pulled a strand of hair that was sliding out of my scarf. He rips my scarf off of my head in seconds. My head jolted back aggressively. He came closer to me and nuzzled his face in the crook of my neck.