Mrs Jones (GxG)

16. {Control}

Sleeping has never been so hard. Neither has sex. Sex, we haven't had any of that since metamorphosis started. Our newfound abilities have introduced an unpredictable element into our relationship. Drea is constantly on alert, ready to support me or intervene if necessary. She misses the spontaneity we once shared, but she understood the need for caution. Especially with me being as unstable as I was. I was terrified of everything. Like, when will I just.... go ghost? Fuck. Does this mean I've broken one of the terms of our marriage? No ghosting? It's not the same so of course, not. But still, would it have been considered ghosting? Like maybe a more informal term? I could already think of many shitty jokes about the whole ghosting thing. But now wasn't the time for my wit.

It was hard being a mother.

The thought of holding my son still terrified me. If I didn't have to hold him, I didn't. He noticed but he didn't complain. Drea didn't either but I know it broke her heart every time I hesitated before holding him. The worry in her eyes was a silent telltale sign that stained my mind. She would tell me that it was okay, that we were in this together, but words felt inadequate against the enormity of my internal battle sometimes. I just didn't want to do it. Not unless I could do it sitting down. That way, if he fell through me again, he would just hit the couch or the bed or whatever. It sucked because I wanted to hold him so much but Alex oftentimes didn't want to sit down. He wanted to be up and about and if I wasn't doing that with him then he would just do it himself.

It was for the best. I couldn't risk him hitting his face against hardwood from five feet in the air again. The memory still pained me. So, it was all for the best.

I'm most thankful for my wife. She has made the whole experience better by staying home with us, despite facing her own struggles. I left little notes for her around the house when I could, each with a message of love or a fond memory. Whenever I caught her reading them, her face would immediately light up with a smile which was a relief against the current chaos of our lives. She would reciprocate with her own acts of kindness, such as preparing my favourite meal after a tough day and handling Alex most of the time.

She would be the one to encourage me to hold Alex and be on standby to catch him just in case. But it was hard especially since I still found myself accidentally dropping a spoon or my phone or fazing through the bed as I slept. Sleeping has never been so hard, I swear. I faze through the bed at least twice a night and it's painful for my ass. I think, at this point, my ass is flattened and if I could have broken ribs, I would. Because of the fail-safe on my inhibitor, I don't faze through the ground anymore. But, that also meant I just hit it hard every time I went through the bed.

It would always wake Drea but she would never get upset. If there was one thing I was most grateful for, it was the increase in our communication. Now, we have multiple check-in periods a day, especially during Alex's nap time where we just check on each other to see how we are holding up. And it helps whenever one or both of us is feeling frustrated that we can talk it out, if even that alone. Sometimes, knowing you're not the only one struggling is more comforting than you know.

So, she would never be upset at me for unintentionally waking her from her sleep. Instead, we made a game out of it. Immediately as I hit the ground, she would roll out of bed, grab me by the ankle, yank me out and then toss me back in bed with a comical warning of "I didn't say abracadabra yet." That was the most fun part. That and her claiming I was trying to escape her cuddles. Pff, as if. I joked about making a bed on the floor and just sleeping there and it surprised me that she actually agreed. So, we might be throwing our bedframe out really soon. Or, at least, pulling it apart and storing it in the garage or something.

Perhaps, then, we'd both have better sleep.

Thinking about it all, I couldn't help but feel a spark of hope. Hope was a fragile thing but at the moment, it was even more so. It felt like a fledgling bird in my cupped hands. The hope of control, of harnessing the storm within me to protect rather than harm. It was the hope of being both the woman Drea loved and the hero Alex might one day admire. It was the hope that my abilities could become instruments of good.