Her heart

46

I woke up at home in my own bed. I had no idea how I got there, but I noticed my dad sitting next to me. When he saw my eyes opened, he placed down the book he had in his hands and turned to me.

"How do you feel sweetheart?" He asked me calmly

"I-how did I get here?" I asked confused

"You passed out at the hospital. Your mom told me what happened and we decided it would be the best to bring you back home. Here, drink some water" he gave me a glass of water and I almost drunk it entirely.

I remember perfectly what happened. The aching feeling in my chest and my head getting heavier and heavier.

"Do you know...what happened to her?" I asked my dad hoping he won't be mad that I asked.

"Yes. We met her family and thanked them. They were devastated. Her brother found her unconscious in her own house. She...committed suicide. She sent him a text message telling him what to do with her body and what hospital to bring her to. The doctors tried to save her, but it was too late. Apparently, she did the compatibility test some time ago, and her heart was what April needed" he did a pause as he noticed the tears in my eyes

"How did she...?" I asked him

"She hung herself" he whispered. I leaned against him and he took me in his arms just the way mom did

"I'm really sorry, Ava. I've changed my mind about her, but I guess it's too late. You deserved better. It's not your fault. Okay?"

I knew what he was thinking, but he didn't know the things I said to her. Nobody knew. It was my fault

"I was the one who broke up with her" I told him

"But you might have had your reasons. Right?" He tried to comfort me.

"Ava, there are a lot of things you don't-"

"I know everything, dad. I know what she did and that's why I broke up with her. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't listen to you. You just wanted to protect me." I buried my face in his chest and cried like I was a kid.

"It's okay, Ava.At least she did what was right in the end. I'm not supposed to tell you, but last night we saved lives and arrested people. We were at the place where Billie used to...work. All of those girls were in the end saved because of her. She murdered their boss then called the police. In the end, she managed to repair her mistakes"

I was so surprised with every word he was saying. My feelings were so mixed, but there were so many things left to say.

"I know you loved her, that's something I had to accept myself too, even though it was hard, but you can't hold onto that for ever. You need to let her go. Okay?" He held me tighter and I just nodded.

He reached out on the nightstand and gave me what looked like an envelope .

"Her brother gave this to me. She left it for you" he handed me the piece of paper and stood up from the bed.

"I'll leave you alone with it. I'll be downstairs if you need me"

He got out and left me alone in my room. I looked at the envelope again and noticed the only thing written on it 'For Ava'. It was hand written and even though I've never seen Billie's hand writing, I knew it was hers. The thick paper smelled exactly like her. The vanilla scent I could recognise anywhere.

I carefully opened it then took out a paper with a long message on it. The blue ink was beautifully forming letters like she spent hours to make them look perfect. I unfolded it, and started reading, immediately feeling the tears in my eyes.

My dear Ava,

   I know I've done so many wrong things, but the worst one of them was hurting you. By the time you read this, I hope you are happy. I tried to make sure you will be. I know I've lied a lot, but right now I'm only writing truth.
   I'll admit, I didn't want you from the beginning. I was planning on using you just like you said, but you managed to completely change my mind.
I regret rushing things between us. We shared our first kiss without any kind of pure emotion and the first time we had sex felt for me like a one night stand.
    I was pressed to kidnap you, so I made you run away with me. I'm glad you didn't, because it was all a lie. Your sister didn't even know, but she saved you that day. I wasn't supposed to drive you back, but something inside of me accepted to do it. It was the side of me you managed to change.
When you told me that you loved me, I felt it like a hit in my chest. I never thought someone could actually have this kind of feeling for me, but then I remembered. Those were just because of the fake image of me.
I started to question myself. To wonder what were the emotions I was feeling around you. I hated when I was lying and I also hated the fact that I was actually supposed to hurt you. So I decided to stay away from you.
Those weeks felt empty. Nothing had a purpose and I felt horrible. I tried to satisfy myself with other girls, but I ended up being disgusted by myself. When Ray called and said that you knew things, I got scared. I lied, telling people I wanted to question you about it. The truth was, I only wanted to see you.
Every little thing that happened after, made me realise how much I needed you. I realised that the love I had for you was something I got addicted to.
I wanted to make you mine, but it was more complicated than that. I wanted us to have a pure relationship with no lies and no problems, so I decided to wait. I knew I was hurting you by doing that, but I loved you too much to just ask it.
When I called you mine that night, I realised how important it was. Not just for you, but for me too. That made me decide to do it. Not caring about anything around me, I decided to tell you the truth and ask you to be mine right after. But it was too late.
The fact that you found out crushed me. I felt like you stabbed me and turned the knife to make sure I felt the agonising pain. But I totally understand. You had every right to do it and I had to accept it.
I regret that I killed your cousin too. I know it isn't an excuse, but I never knew his intentions. Maybe if he would have met the person I am now, he would have trusted me enough to tell me that he was looking for someone.
I regret hurting you in every single way. I lied to you, I yelled at you, I made you lie to your parents and I broke your heart, but I also loved you. You made me the best version of myself and you made me feel loved too.
I leave everything I have to you. I don't care if you sell or burn them, but my belongings are now yours.
I know this letter is getting too long, so it must come to an end. I have to go now. That's the only way I can make you happy.
I want to thank you for every little moment we had together and every single time you took care of me. Now it's my turn to take care of you and I promise to watch over you no matter how much you hate me.

with all the love in my heart,
your Billie