conversations with the moon || minsung

5

"jisung my lover i bit my lip, come kiss it better!" felix called out as he heard the door shut.

"he can't right now, but i can." changbin walked into the living room, taking in the sight of the beautiful blonde boy with freckles.

"okay, that works." felix nodded as he sat up.

"yall haven't even properly introduced yourselves and you're already flirting." jisung shook his head.

"i'm seo changbin." changbin bowed.

"i'm lee felix." felix got up, bowing back. "so match maker, are you gonna leave so sparks can fly?" he asked as he looked over at jisung.

"i was actually gonna go for my night walk in a bit." jisung shrugged.

"changbin hyung can keep me company." felix smiled.

"i gladly will." changbin nodded.

"okay, calm your hormones." jisung shook his head.

"don't worry, you know how i actually am." felix smiled softly.

"okay, you two get comfortable. i'll be back in a bit." jisung returned his soft smile, leaving.

🌘

"i met a new boy tonight." jisung sighed softly. "he's the most beautiful man i've ever seen. his face is just so...perfect. he seems super sweet." his soft blue locks sprawled across the the boulder he sits on top of to talk to the moon.

"but i can't bring myself to let him in. with my childhood friends, it's different. they've been there my whole life. i can trust them. but...what if i let him in and he hurts me? what if he leaves because i messed up and he doesn't tell me what i did? what if...what if i fall in love? no, that can't happen." tears slowly rolled down jisungs face as he looked up at the moon.

"i always let everybody down. i don't want to let him get close to me just so i can let him down too...i'm content with just my small circle now. i don't need to be letting other people in my life. it will always end in disappointment." he sighed as he wiped the tears from his face.

"besides, dad would kill me if he found out i was hanging out with him. he has two moms. i really don't understand why he's so fucking bothered by gay people. but it hurts. it hurts so bad to know when i come out to him, he will never speak to me again. or he'll fight it. tell me i'm not.

"i just...i don't know how much longer i can handle..living. i so desperately wish i had a man to hold me. tell me everything's okay. just..love me. accept me for all of my flaws. but i keep pushing everyone away. and it's so exhausting. living is so exhausting.

"i just wish i had someone who would be there for me. love me as passionately as i love him. i know i begin to sound like a broken record but i long to be loved. so badly. not like my friends love me, someone who romantically loves me. i want someone to go on cute dates with, and kiss in the rain, dance in the kitchen, kiss under the mistletoe on christmas, someone to have and to hold.

"someone to trust more than anyone, to give myself to. all of me. and he'd be so gentle all the time and just so kind and caring. he'd take care of me when i'm sick and even when i'm healthy. he'd be patient with me.

"but it all seems too outlandish of me to ask. because those are only dreams. that's not the example of love that i grew up seeing. the love i grew up seeing is the very opposite. dads controlling. he can't keep his hands to himself. he's violent. and mom feels like she can't do anything about it. she can't get away from him. and it's so heartbreaking to see.

"i wish i could do something. but i also feel like i can't do anything. it's frustrating. of course you know, i step in when i witness the violence. that never ends well for me but oh well. i'm protecting my mother. she's still so warm, even after all that he's put her through. my mom is the strongest woman i know.

"i wish i was as bright as her. as loving as her. as kind. but part of me worries she's faking it just so nobody will find out what's wrong. and that scares me. because humans can only handle so much until you've pushed them past their limit. and what happens after that...is terrifying." he let out a shaky sigh, his eyes falling closed.

"maybe love isn't for me. it's not for me to witness. not for me to experience. but i want so badly to be loved. for a man that'll kiss my doubts away. reassure me when i'm feeling insecure. do men like that still even exist?" he chuckled.

"i hope i find him one day. i hope i can let my walls down enough. as scary as it is i have to eventually. but just...not yet.

"i keep thinking of minho. he's naturally so...charming. maybe i just crush too easily. but part of me wishes i would've talked to him. become friends. let him ditch the dinner with us. i regret it so much. but there's not much i can do now. especially when i'm too scared. i'm a coward."

he sighed, wiping the tears from his eyes once again. he sat up, more tears running down his face. he gave up, holding his face while he sobbed. he sobbed hard, struggling to breathe.

"i just want to be loved." he cried out weakly. "why can't i allow myself to be loved?"

a/n: double update ‼️‼️